Chicken-ish

Thanks to Annie for the original idea

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club!

Welcome back to Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club. This week, Pregnant Praying Mantis read The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Pregnant Praying Mantis has learned that human's come in many sizes... those sizes being: really skinny, skinny, thin and slightly curvy. Pregnant Praying Mantis also wonders why the blonde girl did not eat her soccer coach after mating with him? Are human soccer coaches not delicious? Anyway, Pregnant Praying Mantis thinks that maybe blonde girl wouldn't be so sad if she had simply devoured soccer coach after completion of mating ritual. Pregnant Praying Mantis's favorite character in this book was the Pants. Pregnant Praying Mantis also wishes she could find a magic pair of pants that fits praying mantises! If you have seen such a pair of pants, please send an email to smart.pregnant.praying.mantis@ilovebooks.com.

Free Advice from Erin and Elisabeth: Part Deux

Dear Funnee with Two E's:
I un-friended this guy from my Facebook account because I don't like him. A month later, he sends me an add friend request asking if I've un-friended him! I think that's indelicate. What do I do?

Has Already been Tactful Enough, Wyoming

Elisabeth's response:
Dear HATE in Wyoming,
You got found out. Now he knows you don't like him. Or rather, he doesn't seem to get it, because otherwise why would he ask you so innocently? Answer: he's a jerk. He knows full well you don't like him and he's pushing your hand, trying to get you to back down and let him back into your inner sanctum. Don't let him. He broke the tacit rules of relationships (1. don't make casual friendships into more than they are, 2. don't make people explain why they don't like you) and you get to play on the same no-holds-barred battlefield. Just make sure you play intelligently.
Write him back and explain that your admiration, your feelings for him were too strong. You simplly could not be friends with him without it flooding your entire being and overwhelming you with its intensity. Thus, for both your sakes, but mostly your own, you un-friended him. You beg his pardon, but selfless as he is, you know he'll understand. Ever lovingly, etc. etc.

Erin's response:
Ok, so are you SURE you really wanted to un-friend him? In Facebook, "friend" is a relative term. There are many many reasons to have someone you don't like, let's call him Adam Sandler (sorry, I just saw Click... oh the horror), as a friend on facebook:
1. Adam knows people in the same industry as you (hello possible future career building introductions in the future!)
2. Adam is dating a friend of yours
3. Adam was a total jerk to you in high school and you can now use facebook to smuggly watch the trainwreck that is his life. thank you karma!
4. Adam knows people that might let you sleep on their couches
5. you don't have that many facebook friends to begin with (note, if you're pushing 600... it's time to prioritize)

That being said, if Adam doesn't fit into any of the above categories, then accept his friend request, but under "how do you know this person" you write "I un-friended him several months ago and he didn't get it" there. friendship done. (but seriously, are you sure you want to give up your ability to stalk this guy? you never know what the future might hold.)

Response to Erin

These are surprisingly accurate:

No Paperclips.

microsoft: hello erin. how are you? it is my pleasure to inform you that inorder to make you feel important, we are providing you with an assistant!

erin: what? really? no way! who is my assistant?

ms: this paperclip.

erin: what... a paper clip? my assistant is a paper clip?
ms: yep.

erin: isn't that a little insulting... to say, "oh you are important enough for an assistant! by the way, it's a paper clip!"

ms: oh.. well then, ms. high and mighty... what about albert einstien... how would you like albert einstien for your assistant?

erin: um... i didn't mean.....

ms: or how about mother earth? how about if the entire world and nature itself were to serve as your assistant, would one of those characters be good enough for you??

erin: i didn't mean.... i mean, don't you have any "regular" assistants? like "recent college graduate who will make copies with me until she decides what she wants to study in grad school." or "that same woman, but after she gets her masters in east asian religion" or maybe "overly confident well dressed young guy with head-set" or even "guy with a mild criminal record from the temp agency" don't you have any of those characters?
ms: no

erin: ok, i'll take the paper clip.

(later that day)

erin: ok... paper clip... so can you make some copies for me?

paperclip: no... i don't do that

erin: what? how about some coffee?

pc: no

erin: ok... so what DO you do?

pc: direct you to the help menu.

erin: i can find the help menu myself

pc: i also make noise and blink at you.

erin: i don't want that.

pc: and i give you helpful tidbits of information having to do with formatting!

erin: yeah... no... you're fired!

pc: letter of recommendation?

erin: no... i'm not writing a letter of recommendation for a paper clip.

pc: i will talk with human resources, and i will sue you for discrimination.

erin: please leave now.

ms: There are no Office Assistant character files present on the system. Please run Setup in maintenance mode and install at least one character.

erin: i don't want one.... wait... people have more than one?
ms: please install office assistant character. run set up. maintenance mode

erin: no
ms: office assistant character!

erin: no

ms: how about this dog.

erin: no... i swear, if you say another word about this, ima open word perfect and THEN we'll see who need an office assistant. (tries to open word perfect, computer explodes, calls IT)

The Great Gatsby

Pregnant Praying Mantis welcomes you to Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club. This week Pregnant Praying Mantis has read the Great Gatsby by Ella Fitzgerald. Pregnant Praying Mantis would like to first discuss the watching eyes of Dr. T. J. Eckleburg. Perhaps Pregnant Praying Mantis's eyes are event MORE watchful, but less symbolic. However, while Pregnant Praying Mantis's eye's are not watching over the ashes left behind by the disillusionment of the American Dream.... they are very much deeply engaging and very pretty. Look deeply into Praying Praying Mantis's and realize the disillusionment of YOUR American Dream. No Model T for you! Also, Pregnant Praying Mantis now wishes to become a bootlegger. Who wants to purchase delicious distilled grass, dirt and exo-skeleton of ex-lover liquor? Join Pregnant Praying Mantis next week, when we will read "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"

Not down with Vonage

Sometimes calling people in Japan feels like a keigo battle.
Keigo Royale Smack-down, or some such.
I plan out my best, most humble expressions, and they're trounced, instantly.
Me: さっきほどメールをお送りしましたが。

Her:ご拝見させていただきました。

And she's down! There will be no rematch! There will be no sequel!
Except that I have to call her again tonight.

What's worse is, this whole "politeness above service" attitude is spreading to America.
Have you noticed that corporations that outsource to Indian (ie, Vonage) are starting to give their people more and more scripted lines?
You can't say anything without them rattling off a long, preset statement about how very, very sorry they are.
I'll try to keep this short:

Vonage Lady: Thank you for calling Vonage the number-one rated internet phone service my name is ___ how can I help you today?
Me (on hold for 20 minutes): I'd like to cancel my account. (note, I chose the "cancel my account" option in the menu.)
Vonage Lady: I'm very sorry to hear that as you are a valued Vonage customer. For verification purposes can you tell me your name?
Me: Elisabeth F
VL: Thank you very much Elisabeth F. May I call you by your first name?
Me: I guess.
VL: Thank you very much Elisabeth. For verification purposes, can you tell me why you want to cancel your service?
Me: I don't need it.
VL: How will you be meeting your phoning needs?
Me: I don't think that's relevant. I want to cancel my account.
VL: I'm very sorry to hear that a valued Vonage customer wants to cancel their account. In order to look up your account, may I have your Vonage phone number?
Me: I don't know it. (note, I chose the "I don't know my number" option in the menu)
VL: Can you give me something to look up your account with?
Me: What?
VL: I need to look up your account. Can you give me something in order to look up your account?
Me: You have my name. Can't you look it up with my name?
VL: I will try. pause pause pause I have found your account. For verification purposes can you tell me your address?
Me: (does).
VL: Thank you very much Elisabeth. I am very sorry that you want to cancel your Vonage account, you are a valued customer. May I offer you two free months of service?
Me: What? No, I want to cancel my account. I don't need it.
VL: I can offer you two free months of service that will be yad yad yada-
Me; No! I want to cancel my account! I want to send the box device thing in!
VL: I am very sorry to hear you want to cancel your account.

In case you're wondering, then they said they couldn't cancel my account because I had an outstanding balance: the payment due that day for the next month (1) and the cancellation fee that would be refunded if I returned the device (2), ie, I don't actually owe any money.

Photo Time!

It has been far to long since we posted an image.... so behold... gratuitous photo of kitten wearing brain worms for socks. (Kitten provided by Italians)

Free Advice... by Elisabeth and Erin... for you... Part 1

And now, for a new segment, Free Advice Starring Elisabeth and Erin:

Today's problem:
"I don't think my boss likes me" (from M. in South Africa)
Advice:
You can catch more flies with honey, so here's what you do,
1. bake a cake
2. bring the cake to work
3. photocopy the cake....
if that doesn't work, you could always put a fish in his/her filing cabinet. Don't forget to correctly file the fish.... under F..... for FU.
-Erin

You don't think your boss likes you? Do you know, or are you just guessing? It sounds to me like you're being the judgmental one. Your boss is your boss, not your best friend. It's not her job to make sure you feel warm and fuzzy every time you turn in a status report.
Then again, that sounds like a stressful work environment for your boss, so, you're probably right, she probably doesn't like you. "Oh look, here comes that co-dependent M. from South Africa, gonna want to be my friend again, what a pain!" is what your boss probably says when she sees you.
My advice? Get a dog and a leash.

Ps. great idea Erin!

My Friend Godzilla, and the Satisfaction of Peeing on the Floor

Post # 2 about Vietnam:

Godzilla - Best Roommate Ever!
So on Phu Quoc Island (find your own deserted beach!) we stayed at a very remote eco-resort called mango bay. Apparently eco-resort translates to: "self cooling huts (how do they do it??), sporadic solar electricity, and on-site roaming herds of cattle (seriously, they walk right up to you on the beach and around your hut!)" And it was pretty great. Where as most buildings are designed to "keep nature out" these buildings are designed to "only keep out nature that doesn't fly, climb, or measure over 20 inches wide"... which leaves a lot of nature.

On one of our last days, we were taking some photos of the little lizards who were in charge of bug-control when a reptile head the size of a fist peeked over the wall! It disappeared again, and we were left with a weird sense that we were that movie about the giant snake... you know, "The Really Big Snake that ate Brooklyn... and was so Big it Didn't Even Have to Unhinge its Jaw..." anyway, the mystery creature showed up again on the other side of the room, exposing it's head and some of its back. Since the creature was pretty high up and the lighting was dim because the solar power was having one of its "i don't wanna" periods, we had to struggle to see what it was. The entire identification rested on whether the thing had legs or not.
Legs = Lizard = take photos
No Legs = Snake = run away!
While we strained to make out the legs, or lack of such, the thing suddenly bolted up the wall, and we saw that he was in fact, a lizard... an 18 inch long lizard! We named him Godzilla, and he was a nice roommate, didn't make too much noise, and ate lots and lots of bugs! and possibly a small dog...

Pee on the Floor!!!
So I have peed in lots of squat toilets, raised squat toilets, squat porto-potties, squat toilets on fast moving trains (reference to blog title? yes!), and have used some pretty basic toilets, like the kind you flush by dumping in the water yourself, and have also used toilets that were holes in the ground, absorbent dirt.... and once i managed to pee over the edge of a bridge. Anyway, i was thinking Vietnam would have something interesting toilet wise to offer... but at first we saw only nice, boring white flushable toilets and I thought we may be disappointed. However, in our quest to frequent non-tourist areas, we stopped for coffee at a little bar that blared bad asian pop music. I had to pee... bad, so I asked for the toilet, and they lead me to a little bathroom stall in the kitchen, which featured a loosely strong towel in place of a door. I entered... but there was no toilet, no squat toilet... no hole... no absorbent dirt... and no bridge. It was just a raised tile floor. I called out and looked confused, the woman gave me a "oh! of course how could i be so silly!?" look, and i assumed she had shown me the wrong place, and would soon take me to the squat toilet/hole/absorbent dirt. However, instead, she handed me a pitcher full of water. I pointed to the floor and made a peeing sound, she nodded her head. And with that, I had official permission to pee on the floor. I figured I would pee on the floor, then dump the pitcher of water to wash it down the drain... only... i didn't see a drain... So I peed on the floor anyway, cause i really had to go, and figured if i dumped the pitcher, the water would find its way to the invisible train (harry potter music in the background). Well... i did... and it didn't... instead the water/pee mixture flowed over the raised tile and into the kitchen. I wondered what might happen if one had to poo... then stopped wondering, because the imagery was not good.

Vietnam Part One: Advice to Future Travelers

Ok, I am going to make exactly 3 posts about Vietnam... exactly 3. This is Erin's list of advisory cautions... (note: not actually useful)

1. Safety
HCMC is very safe, if you can manage your entire trip without crossing a single road. But actually, it's not so bad... you just walk across the street while the 8 billion honking motorbikes try not to hit you... it's like a game! Plus, you never have to wait for a light to turn green. The REALLY dangerous part is when you come back to Tokyo, and you try to cross the street like this.

2. Massage
Only get massages at places that also offer manicures, waxing, facials and other spa treatments. Even then, you just might end up with a "happy ending" masseuse, which is a problem if you don't actually want a happy ending. You may find your self with a very angry young woman in a short skirt who is pissed because she had to spend the same amount of time as they would on a "happy ending" massage but they don't get the "happy ending" money. You endure the crappy massage anyway, cause you already paid the 6 dollars and try not to think of where her hands have been. When she finishes she may take out this "tip slip" and expected you to pay her the same amount she gets for happy ending. At this point, you would probably try to leave the room, but she blocks the door and steals your locker key! You make a desperate bolt for the door and she grabs you, next thing you know, you're forging down a hallway past several creepy men, dragging a vietnamese hooker behind you.

4. Avoid
Innoviet Travel. Their two catch-phrases are: "What Lonely Planet doesn't tell you, we do" and "Experience Vietnam with your 6 senses" now, A. everything they showed us was in lonely planet, and B. i did not see a single dead person, or bruce willis. (I had hoped that maybe I'd see John Malkovitch hiding in an outpost on the Mekong River, but later I realized that it was in fact Marlon Brando who played Kurtz in Apocalypse Now... and it was Cambodia) Anyway, their real catch phrase should be "We tell you repeatedly that Vietnam is very poor so you'll feel guilty about complaining about the quality of the tour... then we'll take your money... and spend it on happy endings" Also, they were really into sweeping generalizations about western people and vietnamese people, most of which didn't make any sense or have anything to do with what they were talking about.
Example:
me: wow, sour soup is really good. I'd like to make it at home, is there some sort of flavor packet or paste i can buy?
tour guide: no, sour soup only in vietnam.
me: yeah... but what about people who don't have time to spend 2 hours making soup? Isn't there some sort of an instant sour soup people can buy?
tg: no, vietnamese are not like western people, they aren't so hurry, they have time to make soup, they don't need instant soup.
me: .... ok....
(the next day we went to a supermarket... where there was an entire aisle of instant soup mixes... and bought about 20 sour soup flavor packs)

In case you're cold

5 Fun Things Done Best in Winter:

1. Wear layers!
The ancient Japanese judged a woman by her layers of kimonos, up to 15 at a time, each showing no more than a delicate breath of sleeve at her wrist. You can be your own 15th century geisha at home! Layering works with any piece of clothing you may have, and it gives your outfit an extra kick of style. Bonus points for layered socks and hats.

2. Clean the fridge!
Did you know that 100% of household deaths from mold involved mold in the house? It's true, but you can protect yourself and that rat that lives in the cupboards somewhere with a simple winter clean. When it's 10 degrees out, that's just another 10 reasons to clean out the fridge. You don't have to worry about stinking up the house because the cold weather will freeze the smell where it starts!

3. Make Honey Water!
Honey Water is a great, inexpensive way to keep warm and hydrated, and it gives you something to do during the beekeeping off-season.
To make 1 glass Honey Water:
Heat water and put in glass. Add honey.
"Is that it?"
"That's it."
"Do I need to stir it?"
"Not really."

4. Teach yourself a musical instrument!
Music is a beautiful way to express yourself and to impress others. Winter is the perfect time to teach yourself for two perfect reasons: 1) You're snowed in, so it's not like you can go get lessons from someone else, and 2) Yours and everyone else's windows are already hermetically sealed shut; even if they can hear you, it won't be worth letting in Old Man Winter just to tell you off.

5. Really pay attention to your plants!
The truth about plants is there's three ways they can die: no water, too hot, or too cold. Or, you could step on them, I suppose. So let's say three, but if you live where it's really, really cold, then it probably doesn't get hot enough to kill plants. Winter may well be the only time you should really spend an extra moment of your day thinking, "Is my plant dying/already dead?" , "Is there something I can/could have done?", "When will they plow the roads so I can get a new plant?"