No Paperclips.

microsoft: hello erin. how are you? it is my pleasure to inform you that inorder to make you feel important, we are providing you with an assistant!

erin: what? really? no way! who is my assistant?

ms: this paperclip.

erin: what... a paper clip? my assistant is a paper clip?
ms: yep.

erin: isn't that a little insulting... to say, "oh you are important enough for an assistant! by the way, it's a paper clip!"

ms: oh.. well then, ms. high and mighty... what about albert einstien... how would you like albert einstien for your assistant?

erin: um... i didn't mean.....

ms: or how about mother earth? how about if the entire world and nature itself were to serve as your assistant, would one of those characters be good enough for you??

erin: i didn't mean.... i mean, don't you have any "regular" assistants? like "recent college graduate who will make copies with me until she decides what she wants to study in grad school." or "that same woman, but after she gets her masters in east asian religion" or maybe "overly confident well dressed young guy with head-set" or even "guy with a mild criminal record from the temp agency" don't you have any of those characters?
ms: no

erin: ok, i'll take the paper clip.

(later that day)

erin: ok... paper clip... so can you make some copies for me?

paperclip: no... i don't do that

erin: what? how about some coffee?

pc: no

erin: ok... so what DO you do?

pc: direct you to the help menu.

erin: i can find the help menu myself

pc: i also make noise and blink at you.

erin: i don't want that.

pc: and i give you helpful tidbits of information having to do with formatting!

erin: yeah... no... you're fired!

pc: letter of recommendation?

erin: no... i'm not writing a letter of recommendation for a paper clip.

pc: i will talk with human resources, and i will sue you for discrimination.

erin: please leave now.

ms: There are no Office Assistant character files present on the system. Please run Setup in maintenance mode and install at least one character.

erin: i don't want one.... wait... people have more than one?
ms: please install office assistant character. run set up. maintenance mode

erin: no
ms: office assistant character!

erin: no

ms: how about this dog.

erin: no... i swear, if you say another word about this, ima open word perfect and THEN we'll see who need an office assistant. (tries to open word perfect, computer explodes, calls IT)