Vietnam Part One: Advice to Future Travelers

Ok, I am going to make exactly 3 posts about Vietnam... exactly 3. This is Erin's list of advisory cautions... (note: not actually useful)

1. Safety
HCMC is very safe, if you can manage your entire trip without crossing a single road. But actually, it's not so bad... you just walk across the street while the 8 billion honking motorbikes try not to hit you... it's like a game! Plus, you never have to wait for a light to turn green. The REALLY dangerous part is when you come back to Tokyo, and you try to cross the street like this.

2. Massage
Only get massages at places that also offer manicures, waxing, facials and other spa treatments. Even then, you just might end up with a "happy ending" masseuse, which is a problem if you don't actually want a happy ending. You may find your self with a very angry young woman in a short skirt who is pissed because she had to spend the same amount of time as they would on a "happy ending" massage but they don't get the "happy ending" money. You endure the crappy massage anyway, cause you already paid the 6 dollars and try not to think of where her hands have been. When she finishes she may take out this "tip slip" and expected you to pay her the same amount she gets for happy ending. At this point, you would probably try to leave the room, but she blocks the door and steals your locker key! You make a desperate bolt for the door and she grabs you, next thing you know, you're forging down a hallway past several creepy men, dragging a vietnamese hooker behind you.

4. Avoid
Innoviet Travel. Their two catch-phrases are: "What Lonely Planet doesn't tell you, we do" and "Experience Vietnam with your 6 senses" now, A. everything they showed us was in lonely planet, and B. i did not see a single dead person, or bruce willis. (I had hoped that maybe I'd see John Malkovitch hiding in an outpost on the Mekong River, but later I realized that it was in fact Marlon Brando who played Kurtz in Apocalypse Now... and it was Cambodia) Anyway, their real catch phrase should be "We tell you repeatedly that Vietnam is very poor so you'll feel guilty about complaining about the quality of the tour... then we'll take your money... and spend it on happy endings" Also, they were really into sweeping generalizations about western people and vietnamese people, most of which didn't make any sense or have anything to do with what they were talking about.
Example:
me: wow, sour soup is really good. I'd like to make it at home, is there some sort of flavor packet or paste i can buy?
tour guide: no, sour soup only in vietnam.
me: yeah... but what about people who don't have time to spend 2 hours making soup? Isn't there some sort of an instant sour soup people can buy?
tg: no, vietnamese are not like western people, they aren't so hurry, they have time to make soup, they don't need instant soup.
me: .... ok....
(the next day we went to a supermarket... where there was an entire aisle of instant soup mixes... and bought about 20 sour soup flavor packs)