Bunker Tour

(based on an actual tour - countries have been changed to protect the Canadians. Tour guide has been changed to Russian Spy Satellite)

Russian Spy Satellite: welcome to Russian Spy Satellite's cold war bunkertown. Cold war is over, but is still cold no? this is joke, you laugh now, yes?
Visitors: haha, it's funny and true.
Russian Spy Satellite: yes, many laugh at beginning of tour. At end, not so much but that is twist, you will see.
Visitors: (nervously play with camera straps)
Russian Spy Satellite: is no photo. in bunkertown, camera take photo of you.
Visitors: ??
RSS: ok, washroom is here. tour is very very long, many stops and russian spy satellite has many serious stories. last year, girl not use washroom, and girl loose kidney. you like kidney? then you use washroom now, yes? Holes in wall are for ventilation in very deep tunnel. Russian Spy Satellite no look through holes, see, Russian Spy Satellite go to Starbucks, get special bunker holiday late - taste like peppermint pumpkin gingerbread. Ok, you use washroom.
Visitors: (use washroom)
RSS: (sips latte, looks through holes)
RSS: ok, yes, you notice special cold war toilets, very nice, yes? I see you notice rubber casing - no move during blast, no? Can continue using even with big bomb outside, yes? very important for morale.
Visitors: (take photos of toilets)
RSS: ok, bunker very deep, yes? but, is secret tour, ok?
(three hours later)
RSS: ok, is time for gift shop, yes?
Visitors: (nervous shuffle to empty room)
RSS: ok, you see gift shop is empty yes? now is tour family team building activity, for productive visitors. you make gift shop gifts with sandpaper and tape now, ok? Is ok if gift not so good, you will buy. Maybe you make Russian Spy Satellite nesting dolls, work together, ok, is Russian way.
(7 hours later)
RSS: ok, very nice gift shop. you love it, you will buy them all. Thank you for supporting glorious cold war museum. please to use complementary washroom on way out. Russian Spy Satellite go to starbucks.....