Advice = Delicious!!

Dear Erin and Elisabeth,

I find that I am painfully awkward at social events such as parties, receptions, lunches with more than 3 people I don't know, and so on. What are some simple tricks I can use to feel more comfortable.

Sincerely,

Gary

Elisabeth Says:

Well, I can tell you that eating a ton of Easter candy and then going around telling everyone how sick you feel isn’t going to make things any easier, let’s make that clear. If you eat too much and you feel sick, the lack of enthusiasm shows, and you start to lose interest in life in general, and more specifically in the party = not helping. Plus, then you go through sugar withdrawal because you ate so much and then stopped suddenly, and you get obsessed with getting more sugar. But you’re afraid to, because you know it’ll only make it worse. But you really, really need the sugar. You know that it would make things much better if you could just get some sugar into you. And it’s not like you can’t control how much you eat, why is everyone always judging you?!
And then you yell something like, “Alright already!” really loudly and grab 4 more nasty cookies from the tray and eat them all while eyeing the hot girl and saying something like, “you’re so skinny, I bet you never eat cookies.”

On the other hand, balancing a spoon on your nose seems to be a winner in almost any situation. Or tell a story about yourself that's embarassing but still acceptable (dropping your cellphone in the toilet=okay, dropping your pager in the toilet = lame, iphone = not funny) and laugh while you tell it. Or you could pretend you are your favorite celebrity or cartoon character and do what they would do (probably get drunk).

Erin Says:

Basically, Idleness = Awkardness

or rather:

Idleness(eating-standing-up + holding drink) + People(need-to-make-good-impression - good conversation) = Awkardness

and when eating-standing-up = x, holding drink = y, impression = i and good conversation = g

Ix + Iy + Pi - Pg = A

Pretty simple, right?

And now, to solve for A!

1. Pretend it's your party

Ever notice how difficult it is to feel awkward at your own party? (Remember perhaps "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to") Take coats, mix a drink or too (Erin recommends a good margarita on the rocks - no blendies!), thank people for coming, etc. You'll feel comfortable and important plus you'll avoid awkardness by keeping busy - combat the I factor!

2. Games

While twister at an client appreciation reception is decidedly not a smart move, most social events can be made remarkably more accessable with games. I've seen more than one awkwardly boring party saved by 1980s Trivial Pursuit! While bringing a set of games to a party can seem dorky, you'll be redeemed when someone says "thank GOD someone brought cranium!"

3. Screen your events

Events with more structure can be less awkward. Costume and theme parties can be a the get-out-of-jail-free cards of the social event world, as they provide instant conversation topics and the opprotunity to pretend to be someone else. Also nothing hides awkwardness like a full storm trooper costume. If this means your major yearly social events are limited to Halloween Parties and Furcon 2009, then so be it. This is the price you pay for social comfort.

4. Speaking of pretending...

If you're going to lie about your profession anyway, might as well go with something that makes your awkwardness acceptable. While there are serveral career choices that permit one to be awkward, the easiest one to lie about at a party is "artist."

a: so, what do you do? (already sensing b's awkwardness)

b: I'm an artist.

a: oh... really... (forgiving the awkwardness, but wondering what b's real job is).. a professional artist?

b: well, I managed to get a sizeable grant from the ________ Program that allows me to live very comfortably, I've also sold some works to a few major hotels. I have a big exibition coming up at the ____ Gallery (make up a name, and A ill pretend he/she has heard of it)

a: i see... and what do you do?

b: mainly large scale structures, with _______ (insert enviornmentally friendly material here) and some installation stuff. I once dressed up 100 squirrels in tiny dresses and set them loose in a shopping mall (or simular crazy project)... but that was ages ago, I've evolved and matured as an artist since then... so, tell me more about you?

and done... welcome to un-awkwardsyville, population, you... and the squirrels in dresses, because nothing says unawkward like a squirrel in a tiny dress.