Chicken-ish

Thanks to Annie for the original idea

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club!

Welcome back to Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club. This week, Pregnant Praying Mantis read The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Pregnant Praying Mantis has learned that human's come in many sizes... those sizes being: really skinny, skinny, thin and slightly curvy. Pregnant Praying Mantis also wonders why the blonde girl did not eat her soccer coach after mating with him? Are human soccer coaches not delicious? Anyway, Pregnant Praying Mantis thinks that maybe blonde girl wouldn't be so sad if she had simply devoured soccer coach after completion of mating ritual. Pregnant Praying Mantis's favorite character in this book was the Pants. Pregnant Praying Mantis also wishes she could find a magic pair of pants that fits praying mantises! If you have seen such a pair of pants, please send an email to smart.pregnant.praying.mantis@ilovebooks.com.

Free Advice from Erin and Elisabeth: Part Deux

Dear Funnee with Two E's:
I un-friended this guy from my Facebook account because I don't like him. A month later, he sends me an add friend request asking if I've un-friended him! I think that's indelicate. What do I do?

Has Already been Tactful Enough, Wyoming

Elisabeth's response:
Dear HATE in Wyoming,
You got found out. Now he knows you don't like him. Or rather, he doesn't seem to get it, because otherwise why would he ask you so innocently? Answer: he's a jerk. He knows full well you don't like him and he's pushing your hand, trying to get you to back down and let him back into your inner sanctum. Don't let him. He broke the tacit rules of relationships (1. don't make casual friendships into more than they are, 2. don't make people explain why they don't like you) and you get to play on the same no-holds-barred battlefield. Just make sure you play intelligently.
Write him back and explain that your admiration, your feelings for him were too strong. You simplly could not be friends with him without it flooding your entire being and overwhelming you with its intensity. Thus, for both your sakes, but mostly your own, you un-friended him. You beg his pardon, but selfless as he is, you know he'll understand. Ever lovingly, etc. etc.

Erin's response:
Ok, so are you SURE you really wanted to un-friend him? In Facebook, "friend" is a relative term. There are many many reasons to have someone you don't like, let's call him Adam Sandler (sorry, I just saw Click... oh the horror), as a friend on facebook:
1. Adam knows people in the same industry as you (hello possible future career building introductions in the future!)
2. Adam is dating a friend of yours
3. Adam was a total jerk to you in high school and you can now use facebook to smuggly watch the trainwreck that is his life. thank you karma!
4. Adam knows people that might let you sleep on their couches
5. you don't have that many facebook friends to begin with (note, if you're pushing 600... it's time to prioritize)

That being said, if Adam doesn't fit into any of the above categories, then accept his friend request, but under "how do you know this person" you write "I un-friended him several months ago and he didn't get it" there. friendship done. (but seriously, are you sure you want to give up your ability to stalk this guy? you never know what the future might hold.)

Response to Erin

These are surprisingly accurate:

No Paperclips.

microsoft: hello erin. how are you? it is my pleasure to inform you that inorder to make you feel important, we are providing you with an assistant!

erin: what? really? no way! who is my assistant?

ms: this paperclip.

erin: what... a paper clip? my assistant is a paper clip?
ms: yep.

erin: isn't that a little insulting... to say, "oh you are important enough for an assistant! by the way, it's a paper clip!"

ms: oh.. well then, ms. high and mighty... what about albert einstien... how would you like albert einstien for your assistant?

erin: um... i didn't mean.....

ms: or how about mother earth? how about if the entire world and nature itself were to serve as your assistant, would one of those characters be good enough for you??

erin: i didn't mean.... i mean, don't you have any "regular" assistants? like "recent college graduate who will make copies with me until she decides what she wants to study in grad school." or "that same woman, but after she gets her masters in east asian religion" or maybe "overly confident well dressed young guy with head-set" or even "guy with a mild criminal record from the temp agency" don't you have any of those characters?
ms: no

erin: ok, i'll take the paper clip.

(later that day)

erin: ok... paper clip... so can you make some copies for me?

paperclip: no... i don't do that

erin: what? how about some coffee?

pc: no

erin: ok... so what DO you do?

pc: direct you to the help menu.

erin: i can find the help menu myself

pc: i also make noise and blink at you.

erin: i don't want that.

pc: and i give you helpful tidbits of information having to do with formatting!

erin: yeah... no... you're fired!

pc: letter of recommendation?

erin: no... i'm not writing a letter of recommendation for a paper clip.

pc: i will talk with human resources, and i will sue you for discrimination.

erin: please leave now.

ms: There are no Office Assistant character files present on the system. Please run Setup in maintenance mode and install at least one character.

erin: i don't want one.... wait... people have more than one?
ms: please install office assistant character. run set up. maintenance mode

erin: no
ms: office assistant character!

erin: no

ms: how about this dog.

erin: no... i swear, if you say another word about this, ima open word perfect and THEN we'll see who need an office assistant. (tries to open word perfect, computer explodes, calls IT)

The Great Gatsby

Pregnant Praying Mantis welcomes you to Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club. This week Pregnant Praying Mantis has read the Great Gatsby by Ella Fitzgerald. Pregnant Praying Mantis would like to first discuss the watching eyes of Dr. T. J. Eckleburg. Perhaps Pregnant Praying Mantis's eyes are event MORE watchful, but less symbolic. However, while Pregnant Praying Mantis's eye's are not watching over the ashes left behind by the disillusionment of the American Dream.... they are very much deeply engaging and very pretty. Look deeply into Praying Praying Mantis's and realize the disillusionment of YOUR American Dream. No Model T for you! Also, Pregnant Praying Mantis now wishes to become a bootlegger. Who wants to purchase delicious distilled grass, dirt and exo-skeleton of ex-lover liquor? Join Pregnant Praying Mantis next week, when we will read "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"

Not down with Vonage

Sometimes calling people in Japan feels like a keigo battle.
Keigo Royale Smack-down, or some such.
I plan out my best, most humble expressions, and they're trounced, instantly.
Me: さっきほどメールをお送りしましたが。

Her:ご拝見させていただきました。

And she's down! There will be no rematch! There will be no sequel!
Except that I have to call her again tonight.

What's worse is, this whole "politeness above service" attitude is spreading to America.
Have you noticed that corporations that outsource to Indian (ie, Vonage) are starting to give their people more and more scripted lines?
You can't say anything without them rattling off a long, preset statement about how very, very sorry they are.
I'll try to keep this short:

Vonage Lady: Thank you for calling Vonage the number-one rated internet phone service my name is ___ how can I help you today?
Me (on hold for 20 minutes): I'd like to cancel my account. (note, I chose the "cancel my account" option in the menu.)
Vonage Lady: I'm very sorry to hear that as you are a valued Vonage customer. For verification purposes can you tell me your name?
Me: Elisabeth F
VL: Thank you very much Elisabeth F. May I call you by your first name?
Me: I guess.
VL: Thank you very much Elisabeth. For verification purposes, can you tell me why you want to cancel your service?
Me: I don't need it.
VL: How will you be meeting your phoning needs?
Me: I don't think that's relevant. I want to cancel my account.
VL: I'm very sorry to hear that a valued Vonage customer wants to cancel their account. In order to look up your account, may I have your Vonage phone number?
Me: I don't know it. (note, I chose the "I don't know my number" option in the menu)
VL: Can you give me something to look up your account with?
Me: What?
VL: I need to look up your account. Can you give me something in order to look up your account?
Me: You have my name. Can't you look it up with my name?
VL: I will try. pause pause pause I have found your account. For verification purposes can you tell me your address?
Me: (does).
VL: Thank you very much Elisabeth. I am very sorry that you want to cancel your Vonage account, you are a valued customer. May I offer you two free months of service?
Me: What? No, I want to cancel my account. I don't need it.
VL: I can offer you two free months of service that will be yad yad yada-
Me; No! I want to cancel my account! I want to send the box device thing in!
VL: I am very sorry to hear you want to cancel your account.

In case you're wondering, then they said they couldn't cancel my account because I had an outstanding balance: the payment due that day for the next month (1) and the cancellation fee that would be refunded if I returned the device (2), ie, I don't actually owe any money.