Guinness Attempt!

I watched LA Ink the other day, where tattoo master Kat Von D went for a Guinness World Record for most people tattooed in a single day, by the same person (her). More than 500 people lined up and waited for hours (hours!) to pay $20 to get the exact same tattoo as 500 other people. The tattoo seems to basically be Kat's logo, and the money went to charity. What about me? I support charity, too!

So I decided to go for a World Record as well.
Starting now, I'm going for the most people to ever give power of attorney to a single individual (me). There's no time limit; it's a lifetime achievement award. Basically, just go to this site, pick your state, fill out the form and mail it to me. Kat charged $20, but I'm only going to charge $15. All the proceeds will go to framing your signed and notarized statement to hang on my wall.

Hurry to be a part of history!

a short story about hats:

(all confidential or sensitive information has been replaced with the word "hat")

All Hat Airlines Agent: how can i help you?
Me: I have about $600 that's not mine.
AHAA: yes?
Me: So Hat had a ticket from Hat to Hat that was purchased under the wrong name. When hat tried to change her ticket, the hat counter cancelled the old ticket, and issued a cash refund to hat. The hat counter then issued hat a new ticket without charging any money.
AHAA: that is impossible, we don't issue cash refunds like that.
Me: but i have the money!
AHAA: no... we have no data that the money was issued.
Me: but it's here...
AHAA: no.
Me: what the hat?
(and that's why, if i didn't work for the government, i'd be $300 dollars richer - at least there was that incentive check)

I survived ABC, kind of

Last night I watched two amazing hours of television. I haven’t been that riveted and that vocal since season 1 of Tila Tequila: Shot at Love (I did not watch the finale last night, but I did read the recap – I applaud the producers).

Show 1: I Survived a Japanese Game Show
Contestants are divided into two teams, the Yellow Penguins and the Green Monkeys. They go on an “actual” Japanese game show and compete. Each show, each team nominates a weakest link member, and those two face off in an Elimination Challenge. Last night’s elimination challenge was called “Go for it! Postman Taro!” (がんばれ！郵便太郎！) One contestant walked against a wind machine and delivered packages while the other contestant threw beach toys, bags of fake garbage, newspapers, etc. The most popular were those blow-up whales you can sit on in the pool.

Meanwhile, the audience is made up of 20-30 year old Japanese people who bang drums, scream, and laugh like they were shot every time an American falls. Seriously, every mess-up by an American cuts immediately to some Japanese guy who is going to dislocate his jaw if he doesn’t scale back his hilarity.

We also see clips of them at “home” where they have a Japanese woman to take care of them (thank god, I’d worry about their foraging skills otherwise). We get comments like,
“Is this turkey or chicken?”
“It’s fish chips.”
“What’s a fish shaving? How do you even shave a fish?”
Since they don’t go on to explain what fish shavings are, they must assume we know. But this scene would just piss off anyone who actually knew (like reliving JET orientation over and over), and wouldn’t make sense to anyone who hasn’t been to Japan, so who are they targeting? People who’ve been to Japan for 3 days and talked to someone in a club who had “totally great English, what is everyone whining about?”

At first this show seems demeaning to Japanese culture (“what’s wackier than Japan?!”) but then it seems horribly demeaning to Americans (“What’s clumsier than an American?!”), but now it just seems demeaning to ABC and Toho studios. Whoops!

Show 2: The Outsiders, Primetime (more detail)
This show has the blow-the-lid-off journalist who nods a lot and looks extremely concerned. Last night he talked about people who keep monkeys, not as pets, but as surrogate children. Yes, children. The most understandable woman explains that she’s way too busy to take care of a child, but she really, really wanted one, so she got a monkey. Another woman explains that monkeys are great because they never grow up – they’re always like 2-year olds.

The problem is that monkeys have a much greater capacity for violence than most 2-year olds – they have more skills, is what I mean – and eventually just about every monkey will attack its owner. Then they get abandoned, or killed, or sent to this monkey rehab place where they run around and act violent with other monkeys, in a totally natural monkey way. The weird thing? I found most of the monkeys really ugly, like not cute at all, and my roommate agreed. And the too-busy-for-a-kid woman? Now she’s adopting a child from China; way to go with the low-maintenance solutions.

Their second segment was about the fattest man in the world, Manuel Uribe, who has clocked in at over 1,200lbs. But he’s losing weight now, which is great. Unfortunately he’s still bedridden. But he has a girlfriend! Cue the journalist, “Is there really someone for everyone?” Well... Do I feel bad about my singleness now that I know I’m losing to a bedridden, horrifically obese man? No, not at all. His girlfriend says he’s a “divine person,” and I just don’t think we’d hit it off.

The last segment had something about people who obsess about other people’s tragedies and put grisly photos on the web, I didn’t watch.

Vagueness is NG!

Sometimes while texting I feel unable to convey my general goodwill through my words, and I find myself falling back on the most basic of strong emotions, the exclamation mark! With the exclamation mark, everyone knows that my one word-reply of "good" is happy! anticipating! not sarcastic!

And it's not just me! Bank of America now has a service where if you stay on the site long enough, or maybe if you click something specific, a window pops up asking if you'd like to LiveChat with a SalesPerson.

If you click Yes, you are directed to wait (yay).

When the person comes on, they will use an astounding aray of pre-set phrases, most of which will end in exclamation marks! It's like talking to a Vonage SalesNightmare, but you have to read everything and add emphasis yourself! And the SalesPerson doesn't seem to know much of what's going on! Which is just like Vonage!

Here's what happens if you say "thank you" at the end:

Roberto: You're welcome! Not a problem. It was a pleasure assisting you today! To close this chat session, please click on the close button in the upper right-hand side of the chat window. Thanks for choosing Bank of America! Have a great day!

Advice from Elisabeth and Erin

Question from J:
"i was supposed to hand out papers for work, but wasn't getting paid for it, so instead I stock-piled them in my room. Any idea for what to do with 100s of glossy fliers?"

Advice from Erin:
Might as well get artsy crafty and passive aggressive at the same time.
1. make a mixture of flour and water (1 part flour, 2 parts water) add some salt - to prevent mold (see below post)
2. cut the paper into strips
3. let the strips soak in the mixture for a few hours
4. in the meantime, crumple up remaining paper into the shape of a hand sticking up the middle finger (and this point, you'll need to decide if a giant bird-flipping hand or many smaller hands will best fit your needs.)
5. neatly cover the "hand" or "hands" in the gooey paper strips (stop for a moment, and think about how your house smells like preschool... nice!)
6. let dry, paint if you feel like it.
7. bring the hand/s to work.
or
keep them at home, as a nice quiet reassurance that you showed them, even if they have no idea.


Elisabeth's advice:
Elisabeth heartily concurs with Erin on this one, because the many tiny hands would also prove to be a good deterent to burglars and relatives and... anyone, really.

But maybe you want to enrich your life with these fliers?

Do you remember that home ec assignment where you carry around a bag of flour like it's a baby (your baby)? Make these fliers your new children. Carry them around, talk to them, and most importantly, show people photos of yourself and your offspring. Make sure to say things like, "well, I knew I was marrying the company, but I didn't know I was having its children! hah hah! Seriously, I love the little tykes.", "The best part is I don't have to pay for childcare, it's totally okay to bring them to work with me. Besides, I just love to show them off to you guys!"

It's good that you have 100s of glossy fliers, because they don't do well in the real world and you may find yourself having to "replace" your progeny regularly due to smudges, normal wear and tear, water stains, etc. You probably shouldn't tell people you do this, however, and you definitely should not give your children consecutive names, ie, Jennifer 1, Jennifer 2, Jennifer 3, etc. Also, if you currently smoke, you might want to stop.

Kitchen Excitement or How I Learned to Stop Worrying...

Mold is an interesting organism. For instance, did you know that even in a haphazardly-sealed plastic container, more than one type of mold can grow at the same time? “Wait!”you are thinking, “don’t the molds compete with each other, eliminating their competitors until one is crowned ‘Top Mold’?” No, it seems mold societies are more utopian and into sharing and all that. I have found several containers in the fridge which play host to not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five disgusting species of mold – each! And I don’t mean subspecies, either. I mean full-blown cannot-inter-mate species with different colors, sizes and textures, though they may taste the same for all I know.

Recently though, I had a really exciting discovery that turned everything I know about mold on its head, that is to say, it added to my knowledge significantly.
I decided to make hot chocolate, which I haven’t done in a while, so I got my plastic travel mug from the table and carried it over to the stove, then back to the table to mix it up. Then I picked it up and noticed that the bottom was covered in... honey?

My first thought, what with all the plastics scare lately, was oh no, did my cup melt by the stove? Am I poisoned? But no, it seemed fine in that regard and Poison Control assured me I was okay.

Second thought, did I spill honey somewhere? I do cook with honey every now and then, and my roommate uses maple syrup on his pancakes. I taste some of the dripping mixture. It’s like honey, but less sweet and not a very good flavor.

I look over to where the cup was originally sitting (for a few weeks) and see a big mess of this stuff. I move aside a bag a fruit to get a better look and see that it’s coming from the fruit. Specifically, the pear. More specifically, the rotting pear that has gone moldy, condensed into a thick syrup, eaten through the plastic bag, and spread all over the kitchen table. I alert my roommate (it’s his fruit).
“Oh,” he says, “I didn’t realize that pear was still here.”

Discussion Questions
1. “That” pear?
2. Where else would it be?
3. Who is going to clean this up?

He cleaned it up, but when I went to check this morning, I found out that rotting pear syrup will stain a plastic table. Remember, it ate through the plastic!!

Which witch witches?