Vagueness is NG!

Sometimes while texting I feel unable to convey my general goodwill through my words, and I find myself falling back on the most basic of strong emotions, the exclamation mark! With the exclamation mark, everyone knows that my one word-reply of "good" is happy! anticipating! not sarcastic!

And it's not just me! Bank of America now has a service where if you stay on the site long enough, or maybe if you click something specific, a window pops up asking if you'd like to LiveChat with a SalesPerson.

If you click Yes, you are directed to wait (yay).

When the person comes on, they will use an astounding aray of pre-set phrases, most of which will end in exclamation marks! It's like talking to a Vonage SalesNightmare, but you have to read everything and add emphasis yourself! And the SalesPerson doesn't seem to know much of what's going on! Which is just like Vonage!

Here's what happens if you say "thank you" at the end:

Roberto: You're welcome! Not a problem. It was a pleasure assisting you today! To close this chat session, please click on the close button in the upper right-hand side of the chat window. Thanks for choosing Bank of America! Have a great day!

Advice from Elisabeth and Erin

Question from J:
"i was supposed to hand out papers for work, but wasn't getting paid for it, so instead I stock-piled them in my room. Any idea for what to do with 100s of glossy fliers?"

Advice from Erin:
Might as well get artsy crafty and passive aggressive at the same time.
1. make a mixture of flour and water (1 part flour, 2 parts water) add some salt - to prevent mold (see below post)
2. cut the paper into strips
3. let the strips soak in the mixture for a few hours
4. in the meantime, crumple up remaining paper into the shape of a hand sticking up the middle finger (and this point, you'll need to decide if a giant bird-flipping hand or many smaller hands will best fit your needs.)
5. neatly cover the "hand" or "hands" in the gooey paper strips (stop for a moment, and think about how your house smells like preschool... nice!)
6. let dry, paint if you feel like it.
7. bring the hand/s to work.
or
keep them at home, as a nice quiet reassurance that you showed them, even if they have no idea.


Elisabeth's advice:
Elisabeth heartily concurs with Erin on this one, because the many tiny hands would also prove to be a good deterent to burglars and relatives and... anyone, really.

But maybe you want to enrich your life with these fliers?

Do you remember that home ec assignment where you carry around a bag of flour like it's a baby (your baby)? Make these fliers your new children. Carry them around, talk to them, and most importantly, show people photos of yourself and your offspring. Make sure to say things like, "well, I knew I was marrying the company, but I didn't know I was having its children! hah hah! Seriously, I love the little tykes.", "The best part is I don't have to pay for childcare, it's totally okay to bring them to work with me. Besides, I just love to show them off to you guys!"

It's good that you have 100s of glossy fliers, because they don't do well in the real world and you may find yourself having to "replace" your progeny regularly due to smudges, normal wear and tear, water stains, etc. You probably shouldn't tell people you do this, however, and you definitely should not give your children consecutive names, ie, Jennifer 1, Jennifer 2, Jennifer 3, etc. Also, if you currently smoke, you might want to stop.

Kitchen Excitement or How I Learned to Stop Worrying...

Mold is an interesting organism. For instance, did you know that even in a haphazardly-sealed plastic container, more than one type of mold can grow at the same time? “Wait!”you are thinking, “don’t the molds compete with each other, eliminating their competitors until one is crowned ‘Top Mold’?” No, it seems mold societies are more utopian and into sharing and all that. I have found several containers in the fridge which play host to not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five disgusting species of mold – each! And I don’t mean subspecies, either. I mean full-blown cannot-inter-mate species with different colors, sizes and textures, though they may taste the same for all I know.

Recently though, I had a really exciting discovery that turned everything I know about mold on its head, that is to say, it added to my knowledge significantly.
I decided to make hot chocolate, which I haven’t done in a while, so I got my plastic travel mug from the table and carried it over to the stove, then back to the table to mix it up. Then I picked it up and noticed that the bottom was covered in... honey?

My first thought, what with all the plastics scare lately, was oh no, did my cup melt by the stove? Am I poisoned? But no, it seemed fine in that regard and Poison Control assured me I was okay.

Second thought, did I spill honey somewhere? I do cook with honey every now and then, and my roommate uses maple syrup on his pancakes. I taste some of the dripping mixture. It’s like honey, but less sweet and not a very good flavor.

I look over to where the cup was originally sitting (for a few weeks) and see a big mess of this stuff. I move aside a bag a fruit to get a better look and see that it’s coming from the fruit. Specifically, the pear. More specifically, the rotting pear that has gone moldy, condensed into a thick syrup, eaten through the plastic bag, and spread all over the kitchen table. I alert my roommate (it’s his fruit).
“Oh,” he says, “I didn’t realize that pear was still here.”

Discussion Questions
1. “That” pear?
2. Where else would it be?
3. Who is going to clean this up?

He cleaned it up, but when I went to check this morning, I found out that rotting pear syrup will stain a plastic table. Remember, it ate through the plastic!!

Which witch witches?

PB&J for the planet

Okay, granted this isn't so much humor, but it's interesting, and as an American who frequently defends her country's national cuisine, I felt the need to post it: PB&J Campaign

What they're advocating is that people eat pb&j sandwiches (ie, plant-based meals) to reduce pollution, save resources, etc. Basically, what they're promoting is veganism*, but in a far less scary packaging (unless you think carbon footprints are scary).

Personally, I can't wait until the first pseudo-reports come out that eating nothing but pb&j puts Americans at a "serious dietary health risk."

* veganism is freakin' awesome.

Bringing Sexy Back... to the G8 Summit

No matter the size or nature of the event or organization, Japan has an intrinsic burning need to indiscriminately produce promotional goods (that will be 16 cents please, unless you want it for free from babelfish, in which case please enjoy "Commemoration commodity") And when I say burning, I mean BURNING. For example, why not celebrate your alma mater with "Meiji University Individually Wrapped Waffles" and nothing says "please for the love of good, visit Hokkaido" like "green algae in the shape of a person, wearing a jumpsuit, with a big round bulging crotch" (note that this later spawned: potato w/jumpsuite&crotch bulge, algae wearing bear costume w/crotch buldge, and about 50 other related characters)

Anyway, as the G8 Summit approaches, the goods are starting to come out:


First we have a nice little wash cloth (same design also avalible on a small note pad)

a few things to note:
1. George Bush is very much cross-eyed.
2. Putin is giving Fukuda quite the admiring look.
3. France, Germany, Italy and England are saying "ii yuu da yo" losely translated as "the water is fine" (18 cents, or you get:　"good hot water shelf") -- ii yu (the good water part) sounds like E.U.

.

Next we have this lovely Letter Set.

Forget about global issues, fhe G8 is all about:
1. getting naked
2. getting in a line
and
3. washing eachother.

seriously? Didn't anyone think "maybe we shouldn't promote this major world event with a panaramic view of naked world leaders washing eachother?"

no... instead they thought....."hmm, we probably just need to throw a few animals into the mix."

This Season’s Fashions – Shockingly Hard to Wear

This season is all about fresh, new starts, and the styles coming from our top designers, some of them former drug addicts and many current drug addicts, reflect that like a frozen lake. The colors are obscure, from inconsistently-blended lots that you’ve certainly never seen before. The lines defy symmetry and asymmetry to instead embrace an entirely new aesthetic one critic described as “crippled fawn.”
Designer Marc Lauren favors us with a spirited line of faux-polyester shirts and skirts ($75-$150) so intricate and complicated, you’ll be budgeting an extra 30 minutes when getting dressed (training class $50, Bloomingdales).
Lauren’s young protégée, Ralph Jacobs, offers a more casual looking, but no less spatially-demanding, line of partially unraveled knit separates ($35-$85). He first introduced the collection with models finishing rows on their own sweaters, bikinis and headbands on the catwalk (knitting how-to book, $40).
Calvin Westwood has chosen to focus his oeuvre on the color palette, and his striking amass of blouses inspired by the lifecycle of the Scottish artichoke is sure to be completely impossible to match with anything in your closet. Westwood originally showed the tops matched with flared pants dyed to evoke the Soviet Union in 1982, but fully acknowledged that his pairing doesn’t really work.
Vera McCartney, another color artiste with a more experimental flair, created her pieces using extracts of toxic chemicals and herbs, dyed to coordinate with the rashes and hives expected to bloom on her wearers. The 3-piece “Bee Sting Suit” ($675), in light lavender with delicate striped embroidery, is meant to be worn by women who break out in pinkish hives of 2-3mm in diameter (Allergy skin test plus asbestos screening, $150, at Macy’s Chemist Counter).
Every season the designers work hard to present a guiding theme in their work. This year, the proliferation of unmatchable, unwearable, and potentially lethal cloth-based items brings us one that is clear and striking: “Indifference: Much More Than the Opposite of Love.” (my hump my hump my hump)