FAQs and Banana Yoshimoto

Have you read Yoshimoto Banana’s FAQs on her website? You should (copyright Yoshimoto).
In the meantime, I have made some FAQs to my own life, inspired by her extremely realistic answers. Erin? Anyone else?

Name: Elisabeth Teeth: 32

Q. Do you have any pets?
A. I don’t per se, but I consider the children of the world my pets.

Q. What is your favorite 200 C.E. novel?
A. The Golden Ass.

Q. This next question has two parts: 1) Do you mean to deny Lady Murasaki’s long-touted claim to the world’s first novel with The Tale of Genji? and 2) Is that porn?
A. 1) Yes. 2) Kind of.

Q. Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re angry at me.
A. It’s there though.

Q. I borrowed something from you and I lost it. Should I tell you, or just buy a new one?
A. You should tell me; maybe I don’t like that thing very much and I would prefer you buy me something else, or nothing.

Q. Do you have any tattoos?
A. I have one of the Director General of the Mexican Consulate, L.A., on my left shoulder, and one of a Russian Spy Satellite on my heel.

Q. What’s this about a Russian Spy Satellite?
A. Is no Russian Spy Satellite. Definitely not reassigned to nice location near Starbucks so can get latte while you get comfortable - or no get comfortable, but is nicer to get comfortable, yes?

Q. Can you tell me a joke?
A. What side of a church does a tree grow on?
The outside.

Q. Can you please send me your resume and I’ll keep in on file.
A. Of course.

Federal application for tax assement advisor

Translation Coordinators

A translation coordinator is the go-between for client and translator on behalf of some big company so the translator never gets to meet the client and establish a direct relationship and make more money. The coordinator rules with an iron fist and is always thinking of new ways to make you dance for them. Usually the coordinator doesn't speak both of the translation languages, because that would cost more. So you get conversations like this:

Jerk Coordinator: So, is it okay if I move this word up to the first line? Next to the other word?
Translator: No, why would that be okay?
Jerk Coordinator: Because it's one word in English, I don't know why you have two words here.
Translator: Because it takes two words in Japanese. That's why it's a translation.
Jerk Coordinator: I'm just going to move it up here so it's like the original-
Translator: No!
Jerk Coordinator: Oh, and we pay 3 months after delivery-
Translator: Nooo!

All of a sudden though, there's a new breed of coordinator who is not only nice, but, how do you say, naive? innocent? dumb-as-a-stump?
Like the one who asked me my price after I had completed the job.

Jim: Thanks for mowing the lawn Timmy. You sure did a good job.
Timmy: My pleasure Mr. Jim.
Jim: Ahhh.. how much do you think you earned there?
Timmy: $75.
Jim: $75? You don't think that's just a bit high? It only took you one hour...
Timmy: Sorry, Mr. Jim. I know what my time is worth. And now you do, too.

Or when I responded to a job advertising $0.08/word (that's really low) and the coordinator replied saying, "Is $0.08 okay?" If you're asking, then Heck no, it's not! I wrote back that I would lower my usual rate of $0.12 to $0.10 considering the volume of the job (50 million words, btw, what's up with that?), and her response, "Thank you for so generously lowering your regular rate." There's showing your hand, and then there's taking out an add in the New York Times.

Not that I would ever see that ad. I just read about them in the New Yorker 6 months later.
PS, what would be the appropriate condolence card for calling in gay?

Gay Without a Day Protest

People were supposed to call in sick, but they were supposed to say they couldn't come in because they're gay. Unfortunately, it seems that a recession is absolutely the wrong time to try to get people to risk their jobs. (full article here: http://www.wtop.com/?nid=104&sid=1542276)



a little quote from the article: <"Constantly lying about our weekends at the water cooler or changing pronouns, that takes up so much energy that we could be putting into our jobs," she said.>>

Elisabeth: Because if I had any extra energy, the first thing I'd direct it to would be my job, for sure. That's probably where the recession is coming from, actually.
Erin: Although, really, who DOESN'T lie about their weekend?? "did some work around the house, went out with some friends, you know" = "played world of warcraft for 30 hours, went up 3 levels"

For those who did call in, we'd imagine the call to go something like this:

Employee: hi, yeah I'm not coming into work today.
Boss: oh, ok.
Employee: yeah, because I'm gay.
Boss: um... ok
Employee: yeah, i can't come to work today because I'm gay.
Boss: so... do you want to use a sick day?
Employee: oh.. i didn't think about that
Boss: i mean, i don't mean you're sick... it's just you know.. you shouldn't have to take a vacation day... what is it like a strike?
Employee: I guess so, it's day without a gay.
Boss: are you going to demonstrate somewhere
Employee: I was just going to sleep in... and just you know, not be at work
Boss: oh, like ghandi
Employee: yeah, but I'm probably going to eat a lot.
Boss: but you'll be here tomorrow
Employee: yeah, for sure, it's "day without a gay" not "two days without a gay"
Boss: so does this mean John isn't coming in either?
Employee: John's gay?
Boss: no... but he would totally fake it to get the day off!
Employee: oh, for sure! Ok, well gotta go.
Boss: have a nice day without a gay
Employee: yeah, you too.

Comcast

user Elisabeth_ has entered room

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:02:46 GMT-0800 (PST))>Hi there! How are you doing?

Elisabeth_(Mon Nov 10 2008 11:02:56 GMT-0800 (PST))>
good, how're you?

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:03:10 GMT-0800 (PST))>Glad to know your doing good.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:03:20 GMT-0800 (PST))>I am doing great. Thanks for asking.

Elisabeth_(Mon Nov 10 2008 11:03:22 GMT-0800 (PST))>sure.

.....

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:15:27 GMT-0800 (PST))>You are most welcome.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:15:29 GMT-0800 (PST))>Would that be all for today?

Elisabeth_(Mon Nov 10 2008 11:15:35 GMT-0800 (PST))>Yep, thank you.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:16:14 GMT-0800 (PST))>You are most welcome.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:16:15 GMT-0800 (PST))>Thank you for the time spent with us. Enjoy the rest of the day..

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:16:43 GMT-0800 (PST))>Thank you for contacting Comcast. It is a great pleasure to serve you. You have a great day always.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:16:45 GMT-0800 (PST))>Good bye for now and take care.

Godzilla Workout 2008

True Crime Encounter

This is a real conversation overheard standing in the gas chamber at San Quentin prison:

Guy1 : (to guard) Hey man, you know Scott Dunkle? Guy on death row?
Guard: Dunkle? Yeah, I know him.
Guy 2: They went to school together!
Guy 1: Yeah we went to school together, he was in my class!
Guard: Dunkle? Was he?
Guy 3: They were classmates!
Guy 1: Yeah, he was crazy back then too!
Guard: hah hah!

I guess I must've missed whoever was selling beer at the canteen, all I saw was soda and 1,200 packs of instant ramen soup. Beer would've been nicer.