The holidays as sport

You know when you go to a Holiday Party where you don't know a lot of people, maybe it's your brother's coworkers, or your wife's bridge club, and you end up talking to a lot of interesting people, because you alone didn't know to avoid them? And on the one hand, it's kind of annoying to see people snicker next to the punch bowl while you listen to the most lengthy stories about cat sweaters and why Lithuania deserves induction into the EU Hall of Fame, but on the other, you get to monopolize the talk in the car ride home, for a change.
If you go to enough of these parties, or you don't have any stable friends so you're always meeting new people, you get to where you can sort and file everyone into types within minutes. Not that it's hard; people certainly aren't trying to trick you.

See if you can finish these opening sentences:
A. "My friends, Bob and Jean, they're just over there, do you know them? They said, Marge, you'll never get that cat to wear..."
B. "I've done a lot of traveling in my time. I've gone up and down the pyramids a couple times, and I owned a postcard shop on the Eiffel Tower, or Tour de France, as they call it. Man, I love Europe. The one problem I got is, they won't let...."

How'd you do? Are you party-ready? Or just a party-hearty?

The one type I left out, as astute readers probably guessed, is the new-age/health-food/crystals person. They are usually classifiable within this broad category, unless you're at a new age party, and then you may have to pull out the old Kingdom Phylum Division Class Order etc. etc.

Personally, I enjoy hearing stories of miraculous recoveries with simple regimens from the heart. Massage is a good way to do this, I hear. Massage is reported to release not only aching, trapped muscles, but the torment and joy of aching, trapped emotions. I've heard of people laughing, crying, and singing while they receive massages, especially if it's on an area that doesn't get touched often, like your cranial sacrum or your duodenum. . I met one couple who told me that during a dual-massage on their calf, they quite unconsciously proposed and accepted each other's hand in marriage! Figuring out what had happened when they came to in a small drive-thru chapel was the easy part, they told me. Explaining it to their spouses took more imagination.

One time after such a party where I had met not one but four massage adherents, I was so moved by the testimony that I immediately went home and vigorously massaged my solar plexus. I lay quietly in the darkened room and opened myself up to whatever visions or feelings my subconscious might send me. What happened is the following:
Two women stand around a wooden table. They look unhappy, and their dress is 19th century. Cut to a tall man, like a Mafioso, talking to a smaller man, perhaps Danny DeVito? The taller man says, "We didn't come here to Liverpool."

Obviously understanding this sending was far beyond me, so I wrote it down carefully on a piece of paper, folded it up, and put in my wallet. My wallet was soon after stolen, so I wrote it down again and put it in my new wallet. Now, when I go to parties and meet new people, I make sure to pull out my wrinkled, badly faded paper and read from it as from a tablet of stone. Then I ask my listener if they have any advice? Any insight? But I don't pause for them to answer, of course, because this really isn't about them.

Answers: A. a sweater B. Lithuania into the EU Hall of Fame

All systems go-to GO!

So, once again my job puts me in a position where I'm supposed to help people. I like helping people, I like being the go-to person, especially when I'm able to solve some anxious dilemna with a simple well-placed phone call.
Really though, there's two reasons why I, or any other secretary/assistant/wise-ass, in your department is so good at what they do:
1) They get a lot of experience. You can flatter yourself into believeing you're the first one to ask that question (i.e., "How do I get a pomegranete out of the fax machine?"), but you're probably not.
2) They learn from their experience. *Especially good assistants take notes.

Some people might be tempted to add a 3) They're not whiny, but I don't think that's true 100% of the time.

Let's try a sample office scenario.
Mary has traveled to John's office to get a security badge created. This badge is so important that without it, she can't even make copies. Mary waited for John to send it to her for two weeks before someone told her she needed to go get it herself.

John: Did you bring the paperwork?
Mary: I thought you had it.
John: I don't.
Mary: I sent it to you last week.
John: I never saw it. You can't get this without the paperwork.
Mary: I need to get this now.
John: You can't do it without the paperwork.
Mary: Okay, I'll come back later.
[pause]
Assistant: Could she just fill it out again, here? Since she's already here?
[pause]
John: Yes, that would work.
Mary: Oh, I'll do that then.

Man, assistants really are swell. It's too bad Secretary's Day only comes once a year!

In Vietnam!*

Erin, Companion and Koala get off the plane and are greeted by the hot, muggy air of Vietnam-at-any-time. Of course, coming from the biting cold of the Land-Without-Logical-Heating, it’s really like the county’s come to give them a big hug. It could also be the koala tightening its grip.
They make their way through the airport and give up the koala at customs, not without some gleefulness.
When they get outside the airport, having already become millionaires at the exchange counter, they find a long line of helpful, scrupulous taxi drivers waiting for their favor.
It takes some time to find a driver who will give them a cheap fare and allow them to enter his cab drenched in koala spit, but they are soon speeding away towards Hanoi.
What a city! The entire city teems with life, and all the population is out bustling about.

Then, they all go get avocado shakes which are really delicious even though you might not think so.

The banner reads : Welcome! Erin, Companion, $$!

*I’ve never been to Vietnam, so this part is really, really made up.
**I think that instead of this, I’m going to go buy an ice-cream and eat it. Cheers!

Vacation Schmacation

As some of you may know, Erin is on vacation in Vietnam.
Now, I know Erin, and I know she would like nothing better than to tell us what's going on during her vacation - but she doesn't have a computer! And maybe she doesn't actually like dealing with the hassle of uploading all those awesome pictures she makes and dealing with Blogger's unenthusiastic image editor. Maybe, I'm just throwing stuff out here.
The good news is, Erin and I can communicate telepathically. So, while she's in Vietnam, I'll be reading her thoughts and then making up stuff to type here! Sounds good, eh? I could post her photos, too, but I can't upload from my mind.

Day 1: Leaving Japan!
Erin and Companion go to Narita, excited for their trip to Vietnam! Yeah!
They're flying AirChina, because it's cheap, and because they do all announcements in 10 different languages, all equally hesitant and mumbled, so that you miss the last 15 minutes of whatever movie you chose.
They approach the counter and check-in, only to find that new passport regulations require all passengers to only travel with people of the same nationality! Erin and Companion are not of the same nationality by blood! Customs is very sorry, but you two will have to go on separate flights and stay in separate hotels. Unless....
Unless what?
Unless you are covered by this very special law from 40 years ago that would absolve you of all this. Let me check. You are not. ....But maybe there is another way.
Another way?
Yes, you must agree to wear this koala for the duration of your flight.
Koala?
Koala. Ahem, excuse me, koara.
The whole flight?
Including layovers.
Well, okay. If it means we can travel together.

Erin straps on the koala and takes her seat on the plane(Really, no straps are necessary - koalas have claws). The flight attendants notice the koala and add a safety lecture in koalese before take-off, before landing, and during every stimulating moment in a movie.
Erin, Companion, and koala layover in Taipei, the worst layover airport in Asia. They're trying to save some money, so they don't plan on buying lunch, but the koala gets hungry and starts keening, so they buy him a small Coke and a bag of chips. Total cost: ￥1700.

They wait 7 hours, the longest an airport is allowed to make you layover before it counts as work and they have to pay you, and then they board their flight to Vietnam. This flight is short and to the point, interrupted only by the koala whimpering when he gets airplane-ears. Erin gives him some gum to release the pressure, which helps, but then he gets it in his fur and creates a real mess and sticks himself to the seat. There are no scissors on the plane, of course, and no peanut butter either, so the staff uses fish oil and hotdogs to try and grease the gum out. Naturally, this doesn't work, and only results in an oily, stinky, angry, and resentful koala that has gas from too many hotdogs. And is still sticking to everything. A move to flush the koala down the john is narrowly defeated.

Next time: In Vietnam!

Why I get paid more than anyone else

I didn't have any actual work to do for a decent chunk of my day today, so I thought I'd make a graph of my pay rate at my coffeehouse job.

So, the first one shows how my Total Received Pay Rate (including tips) varries with the number of hours per shift. Notice it loosely follows a correlation path.

Then I thought, how do I represent the fact that the night shift earns significantly less money than the day shift? So the second graph shows night/vs day, after being adujusted for hours worked per shift.

('night' and 'day' are mislabeled - they should be reversed)

I like to think I learned a lot about Excel in making these.

Then I thought I'd read Japanese stuff about my industry online; studying, as it were.

Some gems:

ユニバーサルデザイン：性差、年齢、障害などの特性にかかわらず多くの人が快適に使用でき、豊かで充実した体験が得られる物や場所のデザイン、サービス。

So, what they're saying is, you won't have a problem with this whatever-it-is even if you have 'gender difference.' Which sounds like you're either intersex or transgender. But what they mean is, if you're 'not male'. Wouldn't it be easier to just say that?

otoko no kata de wa nai kanashimi nado.

Next, take 多様化したニーズとそれに応えるクルマの関係 and mistranslate it and what do you get?

Diversified knees!

That'll keep you rolling for HOURS.

Finally, I'm in love with エルゴインデックス. First you think it's dirty, then you think ergo? Then you realize it's just hard to say. So many levels!

Characters I Have Created:

The following is a list of characters created by me:

**DO NOT STEAL**

1. Underwater Spaceman (2007)

2. Naked Abraham Linclon (2004, with Sarah Jackson)

3. Pantless Winston Churchill (2004, with Sarah Jackson)

4. Flightsuit-too-tight Amelia Airhart (2004, with Sarah Jackson)

5. Nympho-Grand-Canyon-with-a-thing-for-Keita-Hosaka (2004, with Sarah Jackson)

6. Scary Mummy (2005)

7. Frankenrock (2005)

9. Little Bald Guy with Lobster Claw for Hand (1991)

10. Sock-eating Frog man (1986)

11. Canadian Vampire (2007)

12. Erin Stapler Hands (just now... when I realised my office has two staplers)

13. Intertia Man (2000)

14. Princess Smurfette (1984)

15. Cork Screw Tail Monsters that Hatch out of Eggs at the Grocery Store (1997)

YAY!!! WE ARE EMPLOYED!!!

In honor of both erin and elisabeth begining real, actually for real, jobs this month, here is an image of famous kabuki guy trying to catch a chicken!

You and I need different things

Today was my first day at my new job at an undisclosed Japanese company (just remembered I did actually sign a confidentiality agreement - whoops).
Of course, I have no idea how to do my job, which involves lots of forms and lots of acronyms. So many acronyms, do these people use any full words?

But luckily my Japanese predecessor made a list of company-specific acronyms. There were some obvious-once-you-see-it, and no-way-I'd-ever-get-that ones:
D/H: Door handle
CCT: Cyclic corrosion test

But a few stuck out:
Sliders: Used to describe White Castle hamburgers
KFC: Kentucky Fried Chicken
Hou/reng/sou: spinach

Maybe I reconsider my application

Since I'm interviewing for a job at a - surprise! - Japanese company tomorrow, I thought I'd share some of the highlights of my previous experiences in the Japanese workforce.
Words that were originally said in English are in bold .

Perverted Coworker: Eli, what word in Saga dialect has had the most resonance for you?
Me: Wha-?
Perverted Coworker:
Me: Uh, a word that resonates with me... nothing comes to mind.
Perverted Coworker: And I went to such difficulty to teach you!
Me: Uh..... I like "just do it." (「よかろうもん」)
Mr. K: Just do it?
Me: (to Perverted Coworker) What word most resonates with you in English?
Perverted Coworker: I love you.
Rebel Coworker and others: Eeewww.
Rebel Coworker: Fuck you.
Me: (blushing) What??
Rebel Coworker: Nothing.
Mr. K who always whispers so I can't understand him: sdkd dkdiei djdie?
Me: What?
Mr. K: Will you marry me?
Me: What?
Mr. K: Will you marry me?
Me: What?
Perverted Coworker: Eli, there's no according to taste.

A phone conversation with a very important boss.

Boss: Thank you for translating the slogan for the Saga National High School Athletic Meet. However, about your suggestion, "Break your own record!," it has the word "break" in it. We feel this is negative.
Me: Well, yes, break can be negative, but it's positive in English.
Boss: We feel this is negative.
Me: Okay, Exceed? Surpass? Overcome?
Boss: People don't know these words.
Me: ....Who is this translation for, Japanese people or English speakers?*(*Yes, I know Japanese people can be English speakers, but not in this case).
Boss: Japanese people.
Me: Well then, what about Do Better Than Your Best?
Boss: I like it! Do Your Better Best!
Me: No no, Do Better Than Your Best. There's a word between Better and Best.
Boss: Do Your Better Than Best!
Me: Uh, no, Do Better Than Your Best.
Boss: Do Better Than Your?
Me: For the love of..

Never in America!!

So my friend Sarah and I have this manzai (Japanese comedy) group and sometimes we take our show on the road without even realizing! But anyway, part of our "persona" is that when people ask us where we are from (which people do every ten seconds in Japan) we won't tell them WHICH country, and hilarity ensues as they continue to ask. So.... anyway, we are in Shibuya, and we want to go to Mr. Donuts so we hit up a police box (aka: directions box).

Sarah: is there a mr. donuts around here?
big cop: oh... no there isn't! but there is an "and on and" that's a new donut shop that's a step above mr. donuts.
Sarah: oh, sure, where is that?
big cop: (points at map and gives directions)
little cop: (loosely points at the map and softly repeats what big cop said)
Sarah: great, thanks.
big cop: hey, your japanese is really good? Where are you from?
(Sarah and I look at each other... the perfect chance to do our act!)
Sarah: from.... gaikoku... (foreign country)
big cop: but from which COUNTRY?
me: from a country in gaikoku.
Sarah: we're both from the same country.
big cop: ok, so where is the country that you come from?
me: it's..... abroad.
little cop (in english): where country?
me (in english): foreign country.
(little cop and big cop look at each other)
little cop: what does "foreign country" mean?
big cop: i think it means "gaikoku"
(they both laugh)
big cop: where are you from?
sarah: from a foreign country.
big cop: but what is the NAME of that country?
(we both think "crap!")
sarah: it's that country.... that country that's abroad...
(cops laugh)
Sarah: actually, we have a comedy group!
big cop: wow!!! are you on TV?
Sarah: no... unfortunately.
little cop: what is your groups name?
Sarah and me: gaijin dantai! (foreigner group)

So..... we:
a. asked cops where a donut shop was
b. when asked, refused to tell the cops where we come from

Another true story

Totally completely true.

100%.
'cept my hair is shorter now.

The Japanese Version of the Office: Episode 3

Episode 3: Running with Scissors

So it's Erin's last day at the office. She arrives at work, and her supervisor (assume he is a likable version of dwight) is rushing around the office:

sup: Where are my scissors? Why do my scissor's keep dissappearing??? (he is holding a pair of black scissors)

CW: aren't those your scissors?

sup: No! My scissors are red! Why are these black scissors in my desk?? some one has been switching my scissors! I need my red scissors.

me: did you look in the scissors drawer (it's actually scissors, glue and exacto-knife drawer)

sup: yes! it's not in there! it's missing! my scissors is gone! why does my scissors keep getting switched????

(then a visitor comes, nice woman representing another university, and i translate the meeting) When I come back, the scissors situation is still in progress.

sup: (now holding several pairs of scissors) gaaaa!!! WHERE IS MY SCISSORS!?!?!?

me: do you think they were stolen?

sup: maybe... yeah! maybe! hey, look at these scissors. (the scissors were still in the package and were wrapped in a piece of paper that said "記念品"(commemorative item...)
me: those aren't red.

sup: I know, someone gave these to me as a gift... a parting gift... when he quit.

me: that's a weird gift.

sup: what do you suppose it means... people don't usually give scissors as gifts.

me: yeah... seems a little dangerous in a way.

sup: yeah, like saying "i wanna cut you!" or something...

me: who gave it to you?

sup: the old boss, years ago.. when he quit. he gave everyone scissors... so he could quit politely.

me: doesn't sound so polite.. sounds like he's saying he wants to cut ties with everyone.

sup: yeah, don't ever contact me again!! I CUT all ties with you! (making a vicious cutting motion with the scissors)

Other subplots: (maybe from previous days)

1. while i am interpreting for him, the president says "yeah, she doesn't really speak japanese, she's just here cause she looks good"

2. i miss lunch time and my plans to have a delicious curry from the curry truck are ruined. Craving something warm, I go to the convinence store and get a hot shrimp macoroni gratin. well... apparently hot shrimp maccoroni gratin actually means "bowl of oil and cream with 2 shrimps and 5 pieces of maccorni.." or "oil sodium surprise"

3. i get some honey-lime-aid that has a crayon drawing of a girl about to make out with a lime on the bottle.

4. all the washrooms in the building are cleaned at the exact same time. which means, if you have to pee at 1:10... too bad.

5. i hate the word scissors... why does it have to be plural?

4. PREGNANT PRAYING MANTIS BOOK GROUP

After reading the Grapes of Wrath, the pregnant praying mantis commented that Rosasharn's husband was a heap of dung and that Rosasharn should have eaten him when she had the chance. I told her that her comment didn't really have anything to do with literary analysis, and she told me to fuck myself. Next week we will be reading "Of Mice and Men".... starring john malcovitch and gary sinise.

Fun on an Airplane

Everytime I go on an airplane, I make sure to fully immerse myself in SkyMall for 20 minutes, after which I give myself a spongebath with moist towelettes in the lavatory.

SkyMall is that free magazine with all the weird electronics and pet doodads - it's like a Best Buy that nobody wants to go into.

But that doesn't mean it's not deserving of it's own Top 5 Christmas Presents list. All photos from www.skymall.com.

1. Children Touchscreen ATM Bank

This toy (yet realistic!) ATM will help children learn good money-management and get them excited about using ATMs for real, just like a grown-up. Exactly in the same way that Easy-Bake Ovens teach children good nutrition and get them excited for cooking for themselves, for real! Also included: the booklet "Explaining to your child why blowing $70 on an over-hyped piggy bank makes 'good finanical sense'."

$69.95

2. Nano UV Disinfection Scanner

"Stop the spread of infectious diseases - From the common cold and flu bugs to deadly E. coli and Asian bird flu- with a Nano disinfectant scanner. "

This is especially relevent because just last week CNN read a news brief saying that technology is so advanced that while you usually need intimate physical contact to spread HIV, you can now catch it through your home phone. They anticipate the virus will mutate for cell-phones within 2-5 years.

$80

3. The MARSHMALLOW SHOOTER

It shoots miniture marshmallows. All the fun of shooting foam pieces at someone, plus the joy of little things that mold under the couch, and then the dog eats them and gets really sick. Plus, the Chinese children starve.

$24.95

4. Litter Robot

The device works by turning upside down and rolling until the waste falls through the trap at the bottom. Independent lab tests say it takes 10 days for the machine to go berserk and roll the cat into the trap.

Includes coupons for replacement filters, cat.

$299

video:http://images.skymall.com/images/products/2b/17/06/102181776vid1.wmv

5. Kinkades Talking House

Kinkades? As in, there are many Kinkades involved in this delightful marketing wonder?

Not only do you get a beautiful house figurine made out of something artsy, it's also plays a recording of Thomas Kinkade himself reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas! Assuming an artist would have a good reading voice is like assuming a jellybean is a good candlemaker. Truly. The best part, as a Kinkade original reproduction, is that it's guaranteed to go up in value!*

*May not go up in value.

$134

The Japanese Version of the Office: Episode 2

Episode 2: Medical Emergency
Erin gets called to the med. room because a student who doesn't speak Japanese is really sick and is having trouble communicating with the doctor. A coworker goes along with Erin:

CW: wow, i've never done interpreting before...
Me: It's ok, I've done this at hospitals a bunch of times, we'll work together.
CW: (in english) are you pregnant? Me: what? no, no! (keeping in mind, I have lost 10 + pounds since she first met me)

We wait in the examination room for the student, he comes in and seriously looks like he is about to die. He is shivering and thrashing around and won't let the doctor open his coat to check his heart. (also, the room is barely heated) The doctor talks to us and doesn't look at me because he assumes I don't know Japanese.
Me: hey, I know it's cold in here, but he needs to check your heart.
Guy: he told me .........(shiver... groan).... influenza....
Me: well, he said he isn't sure and he wants to send you to a real hospital to get some xrays and blood tests.
Guy: but, i got a flu-shot.
Me: (repeating what doctor said) that doesn't protect you against everything, but for now, you need to go to the hospital across the street.
CW: (suddenly decides she is a cast member on House, and starts asking a bunch of questions on her own...) When did you start to feel this? What do you feel? How about your head? When did you get the flu-shot? (even though it had already been decided that the guy would be moving to a different hospital)
Me: um, I'll walk you to the hospital, do you have your insurance card and student ID?
Guy: Yes, i brought them.
Me: Ok, the doctor is writing you a referral letter and my coworker will bring it to the hospital when it is finished.
Guy: (shivering, convulsing...)
CW: Do you have your insurance and student idea with you?
Me: Yes, he does.
CW: ok, so you go to the hospital and I will bring the letter, to the hospital.

We go to the hospital, and stop for the guy to buy a hot drink. When we arrive, my coworker is already in the lobby (damn! fast!)
CW: someone should stay with him.
Me: well, i've done a lot of this kind of translation, for people with the same symptoms too.
CW: oh, but aren't you really busy... because tomorrow is your last day?
Me: not really
CW: but I think they want you in the office...
Me: um... sure... ok, call if you need help.

Some other highlights: (may not be from the same day)

1. An angry student who wasn't able to go on study abroad because the office messed up his paperwork (gave him the wrong stuff... due dates... etc)

student: this is a UNIVERSITY! how can this be so difficult!!!
(a bunch of yelling that I didn't understand)
Student stands up, takes a full swing and HITS the administrative boss.

2. my Japanese-English translations were "edited" before they went to print:
(my words, followed by edited version)

Department of Defense --------->Department of Defiance

Information will be posted on the event board -----------> Please confirm bulletin board

Public Servants --------------> Publish Servants

East Asian Policy ----------> Look East Policy

Revision to the Memorandum between X and X --------------> Revision Memorandum Revises

Agreement between X and X

Contact Person ---------> Window

3. I had to proof read the following phrases:

"Please exit through the door, Please exit through the dumpster on the door"

"Labor issue unified term today, including Over time work, Sexual harassment and foreign worker, is serious problem which reflect the present day" (what? serious? you expect me to edit that? do you not realise that I am a foreign worker?)

"Through today's communication, come into contact with various idea, everyone can get wide vision" "I welcome overyone being from Japan at the bottom of my heart"

4. PREGNANT PRAYING MANTIS
Let's assume that the series most popular character, pregnant praying mantis, is continuing to climb up and down the window in search of a place to lay her eggs. She is upset, because instead of getting maternity leave, she was actually fired from her job of teaching elementary students about the importance of insects. Also, her only lover and the father of her children has just died a horrible death... and she ate him. She slowly makes her way to the corner of the window, and prepares to lay her eggs, bringing her unsuspecting children into a world which will never meet their dreams... hmm.. "maybe I'll reread the Grapes of Wrath" she thinks.

LAST EPISODE!!! TOMORROW!!

The Japanese Version of the Office: Episode 1

So, I have given my two weeks notice and in my final days of working in a Japanese office, I would like to present "The Japanese Version of the Office" staring me, Erin. (note: the camera is the window, and i look at it often)

Episode 1: Calandar Girls

I work in the Internation Programs Office, and we often recieve random "international" items in the mail (advertisements for programs, world culture events, newspapers... etc.) Well today, a HUGE calandar comes in the mail, titled "Japanese Airlines: A World of Beauty" we open it up assuming it will be the typica "world photos" but no.... apparently, according to Japanese Airlines, "World of Beauty" = "scantily clad women of Asia looking at the camera" So one of my coworkers holds up the calandar and shows everyone:

coworker 1: ohhhh! Sexual Harrassment!!!

coworker 2-5: whooaaa!! we can't hang that up in here!? what do we do with it...

(coworker stops showing people)

coworker 2: wait, which one is japan?

coworker 3: yeah! find japan!

(calandar gets paged through like a business presentation, we get to november)

coworker 2: what? there is no japan??

(we get to december)

coworker 3: THERE'S JAPAN!!!

(woman in Kimono and white face makeup)

coworker 1: What the hell? there is NO ONE like that in Japan! There is not ONE WOMAN in Japan who looks like that! What the hell!

(and the calandar gets thrown away...)

subplots:

1. The big boss compares English education to the atomic bomb (with no explaination)

2. Big boss keeps using this one phrase in speeches, have no idea what he means in his context, so I wikipedia it and get: "The phrase has been abused in "marketing speak", and is often considered a meaningless buzzword in this context. This is now so widespread that Larry Trask lists it in his book Mind The Gaffe as a phrase never to use, and he advises caution when reading anything that contains this phrase."

3. the following conversation occurs:

sup: i need you to translation this revision into English, I included a sample from a previous document.

me: ok

sup: only, the previous document is a totally different type of agreement, and the revision you need to write is nothing like this sample.

me: ......... alright

sup: so, what you write should be absolutely nothing like this sample.

me: i see...

sup: and the sample is in french.

me: (look at window)

5. a very pregnant praying mantis spends 40 minutes climbing up and down the giant window next to my desk, looking for a place to lay her eggs.

Salty Caramel Latte!!!!!!!

The other good thing about tully's, is that they give away these fake coffees...... but if you're walking down the street, pretending to drink one, it looks real to people 2 blocks away... and then they get close enough to realize what is going on...... think you're really weird, and avoid eye contact. (however, this often happens event without a 2 D salty caramel latte!) You can also keep them in your bag, and then take them out randomly and say "yummmm i think it's time for a salty caramel latte!!"

I loved Tully's Coffee

Speaking of Tully’s coffee and discontinued items, they got rid of the Soy Swirkle!

That’s right, the glorious Soi Suwaakuru, a frosty concoction like a vanilla milkshake, but soy! With coffee! It was so good I always went out of my way to find a Tully’s and order it. If it wasn’t too late in the day – I don’t drink a lot of caffeine. And if I wasn’t feeling annoyed by the price tag - 350-yen for a small, a small! So, I probably ordered it 5 times total in 2 years. But I thought about ordering it at least three times that. Because it was soy, and not the “chicken-flavored soy hamburger” type of soy, but actual no-milk soy. How do I know?
I asked.

Actual Conversation:

Me: Hi, is the Soi Suwaakuru made with milk?
Staff (not an actor!): No.
Me: No milk?
Staff: No.

But, actually, looking back, that was probably the abridged conversation. The unabridged conversation probably would’ve gone along these lines:

Note: Product may be substituted for reader empathy.

Me: Hi, is the pizza made with milk?
Staff (professional actor): No.
Me: No milk?
Staff: No.
Me: You’re sure? No milk at all? None whatsoever?
Staff: None, I make it myself [wink to audience].
Me: In the pizza? Really? What’re the ingredients?
Staff: Flour, water, tomatoes, salt, oregano, and cheese.
Me: Cheese is a milk product. It’s made with milk.
Staff: Duh.
Me: So, the pizza is made with milk.
Staff: No, it’s made with cheese. You don’t make pizza with milk, you make it with cheese [taps finger on counter].
Me: Right, but, there is milk in the cheese, so that means it’s in the pizza, too.
Staff: Really, I wouldn’t call what we use in the kitchen ‘milk.’ I’d call it cheese.
Me: But the milk in the cheese doesn’t go anywhere! There’s milk in the pizza!
Staff: Well of course there’s milk in the pizza, it’s made with cheese [eyeroll].
Me: Isn’t that what I asked?
Staff: You asked if it was made with milk. I thought you wanted a ‘milk pizza’ or something!

Really, the Soi Suwaakuru was probably made with milk that had been separated to remove the water and add more milk in its place, thus making it technically ‘not milk.’

Cats and Your Community

I was so excited by your cat clothing story, I made a comic about it.
Then I bought the company.

What do you think?

On the Subject of Russian Spy Satellites

1. How to know you may be under surveillance by Russian Spy Satellite

you may hear a soft voice saying:

"ah.... you like computer mouse? Computer mouse very sexy, yes? You hump computer mouse. Russian Spy Satellite no watch, go to Starbucks, get limit-time special holiday latte... gingerbread..... you hump computer mouse."

or

"ah.... you like very traditional delicious Russian dumpling? very traditional delicious Russian dumpling very sexy, yes? You hump very traditional delicious Russian dumpling. Russian Spy Satellite no watch, go to Starbucks, get limit-time special holiday latte... gingerbread..... you hump very traditional delicious Russian dumpling."

or possibly

"ah.... you like professional grade stage speakers during major concert? professional grade stage speakers very sexy, yes? You hump professional grade stage speakers. Russian Spy Satellite no watch, go to Starbucks, get limit-time special holiday latte... gingerbread..... you hump professional grade stage speakers... ok, now say Tokyo 100 times."
(this is what Russian Spy Satellite said to Fergie when she was performing with the Black Eyed Peas at Summer Sonic in Tokyo)

or maybe

"ah.... you like Starbucks limit-time holiday latte? Starbucks limit-time holiday lattevery sexy, yes? You Starbucks limit-time holiday latte. Russian Spy Satellite no watch, go to Starbucks, get limit-time special holiday latte... oh... ah.. no, Russian Spy Satellite go to Tully's Coffee Shop... yes, Tully's... get Salty Caramel Latte! What? Sold Out? Honey Latte? ok... you hump Starbucks limit-time holiday latte"

2. What to do when confronted by Russian Spy Satellite

Under NO condition should you hump the item mentioned by the Russian Spy Satellite. Ignore the Russian Spy Satellite and never ever speak of it again.

3. What to do if your friend is humping a water bottle

Quietly bring your friend aside, tell him/her that the Russian Spy Satellite has no intention of going to Starbucks to get a holiday latte, and is in fact lactose intolerant and is instead watching him/her hump the water bottle. Advise your friend to stop humping the water bottle immediately and to quickly proceed to a safe location (preferably under ground)

Russian Clip Art:

So when I was looking for "Russian" clip art for the previous post, my search in Japanese power point yielded: perogies, what appears to be a Russian eye chart, a monkey trying to wear/eat 3 pairs of glasses and a unsettling-ly sexy dragon fly.

Sometimes it pays to evesdrop.

On the bus:

Tough Guy 1: This the #7?
Driver: Yeah.
TG1: Okay, I was just checking.
Driver: Yeah, it is, but I'm gonna make another loop downtown before I start on the route, so it'll be another 15 minutes or so.
TG1: Oh, that's okay.
Driver: Okay, I just thought you might be in a hurry or something.
Tough Guy 2: No, the only thing we're in a hurry for is to watch our soap opera- ESPN.

TG1: Did you just say soap operas?
TG2: No, I said ESPN. They got some great shows.
TG1: That's true.

TG2: ...So then she says, you come all the way down here to get your Bridge Card [food stamp program] and you don't even see your social worker? I mean, who does that? She's like, you get on your cell phone or you go to that payphone and you call them!
TG1: Okay, but if I'm on the Bridge Card, you really think I pay my cellphone bill?
TG2: Well yeah, but look at Marie...

TG1: ...I'm trying to get on this new program, you heard about it? It's the [couldn't catch it] program.
TG2: Yeah, I heard about that. It sounds good, but I don't think they allow coke addicts on it.

neeeed good job...... please!?!?

This is in honor of the fact that on Wednesday I will be interviewing for a job that I really really want. And I don't want to mess it up.

Apparently, this will bring me luck.

Right?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

that's right bitches, my cats LIKE wearing clothes!

So my cats LOVE wearing clothes, and not in a "Oh! my toy poodle Fifi just loves her sweater!" (because it keeps her from freezing to death), but rather, they actually just like wearing stuff... collars, christmas ornaments, t-shirts, towels... anything. I assumed this would be a rather accepted custom here in Japan, where you routinely see dogs wearing puffy jackets, rain boots, overalls, goggles, track suits, tiaras and mittens (I assumed that having an opposable thumb was a generally accepted prerequisite for owning mittens... but apparently, no) When I took Taco and Lilou to the park to show of their halloween costumes (Butterfly and Cat Being Eaten by Snake) they were met with more than a few silent disapproving glances. (Meanwhile, random dog wearing shiny track suit, sneakers and goggles gets the "Yes, good doggy style... that's what she said" look of approval. Then this weekend, I come across a giant palette of clearance doggy clothes at Japanese Wal-Mart, they are all of course, horrendously out of style, but Taco and Lilou don't really care WHAT they wear, as long as it's something. So we picked out a little red dotted dress for Lilou, and a sporty tank top for Taco, and filled the rest of the cart with cat litter and cat food. When we go to pay, the lady looks at me funny and says "what's with all the cat food and dog clothes?" (assuming I had bought food for the wrong animal) I told her the clothes were for the cats, and she looked at me as if I said I was going to put the clothes on feral squirrels in the park. So apparently, whatever hellish thing you can get your dog to wear = ok. Cute tank-top for Taco = weirdo! Either way, the cats loved the clothes, Taco strutted in front of the window in his new tank-top, flapping his tail around and purring so hard that he actually started breathing heavily. Let's see mitten-dog do that!
erin

And another thing about music

I was at a club last night, a gay club, if you must know, and there was one song that particularly caught my attention. I admit, it was hard to tear my gaze away from all the straight girls grinding on each other and smushing their faces into the pole - why do you do this? who do you think's going to be watching?
A bunch of not-amused dykes, is who.

Anyway, the song itself was a remix of Destiny Child's Independent Women combined with the chorus from Jackson's Billie Jean. So, that's a song about the joy and pride of being independent from any man, of making it on your own, matched up with a song about trapping a man to make him support you.
The unfortunate part is that I doubt the dj was doing it on purpose for some sort of cultural irony or even a "look how far we've come" progressive performance piece. I think he just liked the beats.

And now a word from Madeleine Peyroux

I saw Ms. Peyroux in concert tonight. Most of her lyrics are average, but this one from a break-up song really stood out:

"It's easy to leave
I just have to conceive,
Wherever you are,
You're still driving my car"

I can relate to this.

Fun is more fun with coffee!

Things that Shouldn't Have Legs

me: what was your favorite "things without legs"
Elisabeth: ? the things with legs ones?
me: oh yeah. they HAD legs!

First Post: In the form of a G-Chat conversation between Elisabeth and Erin

Erin: ok.. starting........ now.......]
me: now?
Erin: umm.. crap
this is hard
me: so I was at target the other day
and the lady in front of me, with her husband, they bought some candy on sale for halloween, right?
it's 3 for $5
but they decide they don't want to buy it
so the cashier has to un-ring it up
so, she turns to the lady and says, "What's $5 divided by 3?"
and the lady is like, "dunno."
and then everyone just stands there.
for a whole minute.
Until I say, "$1.66"
Erin: ummm... don't cell phones have calculators anyway?
me: and the cashier says, "Yes! No, wait, that'd be $4.
no, yeah, okay, it's $5. You're right."
and the lady turns to me and says, "thanks."
Erin: what???
me: thank god I'm a math major, right?
what were they planning on doing if I hadn't been there?
Erin: probably stand for another minute and call a manager
me: they were just standing there, waiting for it to compute itself, magically?
you're probably right
Erin: personally, if I were there, I would have suggested that someone opens the candy, and everyone in line eats the candy
and then doesn't tell anyone
ever
me: "I need a basic math check on lane 5..."
then they wouldn't have had to do anything
Erin: "oh wait... never mind, we ate the candy... I mean, there was never any candy!! Why did I say this on the intercom?"
Erin: (by the way, intercom should not be confused with intercon, the version of the internet that only rich people know about)
me: no, with her luck, she probably isn't too good with the intercom, either
I think context helped us with that one
Erin: and probably hasn't even HEARD of the intercon
me: 56% of Target-employed Americans haven't
Erin: although the CEO of target is probably in the know
getting rich because people are embarrassed to go to walmart
me: he is rich, after all
I have special "going to walmart sunglasses" so people don't recognize me
they've got those flamingoes and palm trees on them. keeps the crowds away