Translation Coordinators

A translation coordinator is the go-between for client and translator on behalf of some big company so the translator never gets to meet the client and establish a direct relationship and make more money. The coordinator rules with an iron fist and is always thinking of new ways to make you dance for them. Usually the coordinator doesn't speak both of the translation languages, because that would cost more. So you get conversations like this:

Jerk Coordinator: So, is it okay if I move this word up to the first line? Next to the other word?
Translator: No, why would that be okay?
Jerk Coordinator: Because it's one word in English, I don't know why you have two words here.
Translator: Because it takes two words in Japanese. That's why it's a translation.
Jerk Coordinator: I'm just going to move it up here so it's like the original-
Translator: No!
Jerk Coordinator: Oh, and we pay 3 months after delivery-
Translator: Nooo!

All of a sudden though, there's a new breed of coordinator who is not only nice, but, how do you say, naive? innocent? dumb-as-a-stump?
Like the one who asked me my price after I had completed the job.

Jim: Thanks for mowing the lawn Timmy. You sure did a good job.
Timmy: My pleasure Mr. Jim.
Jim: Ahhh.. how much do you think you earned there?
Timmy: $75.
Jim: $75? You don't think that's just a bit high? It only took you one hour...
Timmy: Sorry, Mr. Jim. I know what my time is worth. And now you do, too.

Or when I responded to a job advertising $0.08/word (that's really low) and the coordinator replied saying, "Is $0.08 okay?" If you're asking, then Heck no, it's not! I wrote back that I would lower my usual rate of $0.12 to $0.10 considering the volume of the job (50 million words, btw, what's up with that?), and her response, "Thank you for so generously lowering your regular rate." There's showing your hand, and then there's taking out an add in the New York Times.

Not that I would ever see that ad. I just read about them in the New Yorker 6 months later.
PS, what would be the appropriate condolence card for calling in gay?

Gay Without a Day Protest

People were supposed to call in sick, but they were supposed to say they couldn't come in because they're gay. Unfortunately, it seems that a recession is absolutely the wrong time to try to get people to risk their jobs. (full article here: http://www.wtop.com/?nid=104&sid=1542276)



a little quote from the article: <"Constantly lying about our weekends at the water cooler or changing pronouns, that takes up so much energy that we could be putting into our jobs," she said.>>

Elisabeth: Because if I had any extra energy, the first thing I'd direct it to would be my job, for sure. That's probably where the recession is coming from, actually.
Erin: Although, really, who DOESN'T lie about their weekend?? "did some work around the house, went out with some friends, you know" = "played world of warcraft for 30 hours, went up 3 levels"

For those who did call in, we'd imagine the call to go something like this:

Employee: hi, yeah I'm not coming into work today.
Boss: oh, ok.
Employee: yeah, because I'm gay.
Boss: um... ok
Employee: yeah, i can't come to work today because I'm gay.
Boss: so... do you want to use a sick day?
Employee: oh.. i didn't think about that
Boss: i mean, i don't mean you're sick... it's just you know.. you shouldn't have to take a vacation day... what is it like a strike?
Employee: I guess so, it's day without a gay.
Boss: are you going to demonstrate somewhere
Employee: I was just going to sleep in... and just you know, not be at work
Boss: oh, like ghandi
Employee: yeah, but I'm probably going to eat a lot.
Boss: but you'll be here tomorrow
Employee: yeah, for sure, it's "day without a gay" not "two days without a gay"
Boss: so does this mean John isn't coming in either?
Employee: John's gay?
Boss: no... but he would totally fake it to get the day off!
Employee: oh, for sure! Ok, well gotta go.
Boss: have a nice day without a gay
Employee: yeah, you too.

Comcast

user Elisabeth_ has entered room

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:02:46 GMT-0800 (PST))>Hi there! How are you doing?

Elisabeth_(Mon Nov 10 2008 11:02:56 GMT-0800 (PST))>
good, how're you?

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:03:10 GMT-0800 (PST))>Glad to know your doing good.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:03:20 GMT-0800 (PST))>I am doing great. Thanks for asking.

Elisabeth_(Mon Nov 10 2008 11:03:22 GMT-0800 (PST))>sure.

.....

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:15:27 GMT-0800 (PST))>You are most welcome.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:15:29 GMT-0800 (PST))>Would that be all for today?

Elisabeth_(Mon Nov 10 2008 11:15:35 GMT-0800 (PST))>Yep, thank you.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:16:14 GMT-0800 (PST))>You are most welcome.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:16:15 GMT-0800 (PST))>Thank you for the time spent with us. Enjoy the rest of the day..

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:16:43 GMT-0800 (PST))>Thank you for contacting Comcast. It is a great pleasure to serve you. You have a great day always.

Pearl(Mon Nov 10 2008 14:16:45 GMT-0800 (PST))>Good bye for now and take care.

Godzilla Workout 2008

True Crime Encounter

This is a real conversation overheard standing in the gas chamber at San Quentin prison:

Guy1 : (to guard) Hey man, you know Scott Dunkle? Guy on death row?
Guard: Dunkle? Yeah, I know him.
Guy 2: They went to school together!
Guy 1: Yeah we went to school together, he was in my class!
Guard: Dunkle? Was he?
Guy 3: They were classmates!
Guy 1: Yeah, he was crazy back then too!
Guard: hah hah!

I guess I must've missed whoever was selling beer at the canteen, all I saw was soda and 1,200 packs of instant ramen soup. Beer would've been nicer.

Guinness Attempt!

I watched LA Ink the other day, where tattoo master Kat Von D went for a Guinness World Record for most people tattooed in a single day, by the same person (her). More than 500 people lined up and waited for hours (hours!) to pay $20 to get the exact same tattoo as 500 other people. The tattoo seems to basically be Kat's logo, and the money went to charity. What about me? I support charity, too!

So I decided to go for a World Record as well.
Starting now, I'm going for the most people to ever give power of attorney to a single individual (me). There's no time limit; it's a lifetime achievement award. Basically, just go to this site, pick your state, fill out the form and mail it to me. Kat charged $20, but I'm only going to charge $15. All the proceeds will go to framing your signed and notarized statement to hang on my wall.

Hurry to be a part of history!

a short story about hats:

(all confidential or sensitive information has been replaced with the word "hat")

All Hat Airlines Agent: how can i help you?
Me: I have about $600 that's not mine.
AHAA: yes?
Me: So Hat had a ticket from Hat to Hat that was purchased under the wrong name. When hat tried to change her ticket, the hat counter cancelled the old ticket, and issued a cash refund to hat. The hat counter then issued hat a new ticket without charging any money.
AHAA: that is impossible, we don't issue cash refunds like that.
Me: but i have the money!
AHAA: no... we have no data that the money was issued.
Me: but it's here...
AHAA: no.
Me: what the hat?
(and that's why, if i didn't work for the government, i'd be $300 dollars richer - at least there was that incentive check)

I survived ABC, kind of

Last night I watched two amazing hours of television. I haven’t been that riveted and that vocal since season 1 of Tila Tequila: Shot at Love (I did not watch the finale last night, but I did read the recap – I applaud the producers).

Show 1: I Survived a Japanese Game Show
Contestants are divided into two teams, the Yellow Penguins and the Green Monkeys. They go on an “actual” Japanese game show and compete. Each show, each team nominates a weakest link member, and those two face off in an Elimination Challenge. Last night’s elimination challenge was called “Go for it! Postman Taro!” (がんばれ！郵便太郎！) One contestant walked against a wind machine and delivered packages while the other contestant threw beach toys, bags of fake garbage, newspapers, etc. The most popular were those blow-up whales you can sit on in the pool.

Meanwhile, the audience is made up of 20-30 year old Japanese people who bang drums, scream, and laugh like they were shot every time an American falls. Seriously, every mess-up by an American cuts immediately to some Japanese guy who is going to dislocate his jaw if he doesn’t scale back his hilarity.

We also see clips of them at “home” where they have a Japanese woman to take care of them (thank god, I’d worry about their foraging skills otherwise). We get comments like,
“Is this turkey or chicken?”
“It’s fish chips.”
“What’s a fish shaving? How do you even shave a fish?”
Since they don’t go on to explain what fish shavings are, they must assume we know. But this scene would just piss off anyone who actually knew (like reliving JET orientation over and over), and wouldn’t make sense to anyone who hasn’t been to Japan, so who are they targeting? People who’ve been to Japan for 3 days and talked to someone in a club who had “totally great English, what is everyone whining about?”

At first this show seems demeaning to Japanese culture (“what’s wackier than Japan?!”) but then it seems horribly demeaning to Americans (“What’s clumsier than an American?!”), but now it just seems demeaning to ABC and Toho studios. Whoops!

Show 2: The Outsiders, Primetime (more detail)
This show has the blow-the-lid-off journalist who nods a lot and looks extremely concerned. Last night he talked about people who keep monkeys, not as pets, but as surrogate children. Yes, children. The most understandable woman explains that she’s way too busy to take care of a child, but she really, really wanted one, so she got a monkey. Another woman explains that monkeys are great because they never grow up – they’re always like 2-year olds.

The problem is that monkeys have a much greater capacity for violence than most 2-year olds – they have more skills, is what I mean – and eventually just about every monkey will attack its owner. Then they get abandoned, or killed, or sent to this monkey rehab place where they run around and act violent with other monkeys, in a totally natural monkey way. The weird thing? I found most of the monkeys really ugly, like not cute at all, and my roommate agreed. And the too-busy-for-a-kid woman? Now she’s adopting a child from China; way to go with the low-maintenance solutions.

Their second segment was about the fattest man in the world, Manuel Uribe, who has clocked in at over 1,200lbs. But he’s losing weight now, which is great. Unfortunately he’s still bedridden. But he has a girlfriend! Cue the journalist, “Is there really someone for everyone?” Well... Do I feel bad about my singleness now that I know I’m losing to a bedridden, horrifically obese man? No, not at all. His girlfriend says he’s a “divine person,” and I just don’t think we’d hit it off.

The last segment had something about people who obsess about other people’s tragedies and put grisly photos on the web, I didn’t watch.

Vagueness is NG!

Sometimes while texting I feel unable to convey my general goodwill through my words, and I find myself falling back on the most basic of strong emotions, the exclamation mark! With the exclamation mark, everyone knows that my one word-reply of "good" is happy! anticipating! not sarcastic!

And it's not just me! Bank of America now has a service where if you stay on the site long enough, or maybe if you click something specific, a window pops up asking if you'd like to LiveChat with a SalesPerson.

If you click Yes, you are directed to wait (yay).

When the person comes on, they will use an astounding aray of pre-set phrases, most of which will end in exclamation marks! It's like talking to a Vonage SalesNightmare, but you have to read everything and add emphasis yourself! And the SalesPerson doesn't seem to know much of what's going on! Which is just like Vonage!

Here's what happens if you say "thank you" at the end:

Roberto: You're welcome! Not a problem. It was a pleasure assisting you today! To close this chat session, please click on the close button in the upper right-hand side of the chat window. Thanks for choosing Bank of America! Have a great day!

Advice from Elisabeth and Erin

Question from J:
"i was supposed to hand out papers for work, but wasn't getting paid for it, so instead I stock-piled them in my room. Any idea for what to do with 100s of glossy fliers?"

Advice from Erin:
Might as well get artsy crafty and passive aggressive at the same time.
1. make a mixture of flour and water (1 part flour, 2 parts water) add some salt - to prevent mold (see below post)
2. cut the paper into strips
3. let the strips soak in the mixture for a few hours
4. in the meantime, crumple up remaining paper into the shape of a hand sticking up the middle finger (and this point, you'll need to decide if a giant bird-flipping hand or many smaller hands will best fit your needs.)
5. neatly cover the "hand" or "hands" in the gooey paper strips (stop for a moment, and think about how your house smells like preschool... nice!)
6. let dry, paint if you feel like it.
7. bring the hand/s to work.
or
keep them at home, as a nice quiet reassurance that you showed them, even if they have no idea.


Elisabeth's advice:
Elisabeth heartily concurs with Erin on this one, because the many tiny hands would also prove to be a good deterent to burglars and relatives and... anyone, really.

But maybe you want to enrich your life with these fliers?

Do you remember that home ec assignment where you carry around a bag of flour like it's a baby (your baby)? Make these fliers your new children. Carry them around, talk to them, and most importantly, show people photos of yourself and your offspring. Make sure to say things like, "well, I knew I was marrying the company, but I didn't know I was having its children! hah hah! Seriously, I love the little tykes.", "The best part is I don't have to pay for childcare, it's totally okay to bring them to work with me. Besides, I just love to show them off to you guys!"

It's good that you have 100s of glossy fliers, because they don't do well in the real world and you may find yourself having to "replace" your progeny regularly due to smudges, normal wear and tear, water stains, etc. You probably shouldn't tell people you do this, however, and you definitely should not give your children consecutive names, ie, Jennifer 1, Jennifer 2, Jennifer 3, etc. Also, if you currently smoke, you might want to stop.

Kitchen Excitement or How I Learned to Stop Worrying...

Mold is an interesting organism. For instance, did you know that even in a haphazardly-sealed plastic container, more than one type of mold can grow at the same time? “Wait!”you are thinking, “don’t the molds compete with each other, eliminating their competitors until one is crowned ‘Top Mold’?” No, it seems mold societies are more utopian and into sharing and all that. I have found several containers in the fridge which play host to not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five disgusting species of mold – each! And I don’t mean subspecies, either. I mean full-blown cannot-inter-mate species with different colors, sizes and textures, though they may taste the same for all I know.

Recently though, I had a really exciting discovery that turned everything I know about mold on its head, that is to say, it added to my knowledge significantly.
I decided to make hot chocolate, which I haven’t done in a while, so I got my plastic travel mug from the table and carried it over to the stove, then back to the table to mix it up. Then I picked it up and noticed that the bottom was covered in... honey?

My first thought, what with all the plastics scare lately, was oh no, did my cup melt by the stove? Am I poisoned? But no, it seemed fine in that regard and Poison Control assured me I was okay.

Second thought, did I spill honey somewhere? I do cook with honey every now and then, and my roommate uses maple syrup on his pancakes. I taste some of the dripping mixture. It’s like honey, but less sweet and not a very good flavor.

I look over to where the cup was originally sitting (for a few weeks) and see a big mess of this stuff. I move aside a bag a fruit to get a better look and see that it’s coming from the fruit. Specifically, the pear. More specifically, the rotting pear that has gone moldy, condensed into a thick syrup, eaten through the plastic bag, and spread all over the kitchen table. I alert my roommate (it’s his fruit).
“Oh,” he says, “I didn’t realize that pear was still here.”

Discussion Questions
1. “That” pear?
2. Where else would it be?
3. Who is going to clean this up?

He cleaned it up, but when I went to check this morning, I found out that rotting pear syrup will stain a plastic table. Remember, it ate through the plastic!!

Which witch witches?

PB&J for the planet

Okay, granted this isn't so much humor, but it's interesting, and as an American who frequently defends her country's national cuisine, I felt the need to post it: PB&J Campaign

What they're advocating is that people eat pb&j sandwiches (ie, plant-based meals) to reduce pollution, save resources, etc. Basically, what they're promoting is veganism*, but in a far less scary packaging (unless you think carbon footprints are scary).

Personally, I can't wait until the first pseudo-reports come out that eating nothing but pb&j puts Americans at a "serious dietary health risk."

* veganism is freakin' awesome.

Bringing Sexy Back... to the G8 Summit

No matter the size or nature of the event or organization, Japan has an intrinsic burning need to indiscriminately produce promotional goods (that will be 16 cents please, unless you want it for free from babelfish, in which case please enjoy "Commemoration commodity") And when I say burning, I mean BURNING. For example, why not celebrate your alma mater with "Meiji University Individually Wrapped Waffles" and nothing says "please for the love of good, visit Hokkaido" like "green algae in the shape of a person, wearing a jumpsuit, with a big round bulging crotch" (note that this later spawned: potato w/jumpsuite&crotch bulge, algae wearing bear costume w/crotch buldge, and about 50 other related characters)

Anyway, as the G8 Summit approaches, the goods are starting to come out:


First we have a nice little wash cloth (same design also avalible on a small note pad)

a few things to note:
1. George Bush is very much cross-eyed.
2. Putin is giving Fukuda quite the admiring look.
3. France, Germany, Italy and England are saying "ii yuu da yo" losely translated as "the water is fine" (18 cents, or you get:　"good hot water shelf") -- ii yu (the good water part) sounds like E.U.

.

Next we have this lovely Letter Set.

Forget about global issues, fhe G8 is all about:
1. getting naked
2. getting in a line
and
3. washing eachother.

seriously? Didn't anyone think "maybe we shouldn't promote this major world event with a panaramic view of naked world leaders washing eachother?"

no... instead they thought....."hmm, we probably just need to throw a few animals into the mix."

This Season’s Fashions – Shockingly Hard to Wear

This season is all about fresh, new starts, and the styles coming from our top designers, some of them former drug addicts and many current drug addicts, reflect that like a frozen lake. The colors are obscure, from inconsistently-blended lots that you’ve certainly never seen before. The lines defy symmetry and asymmetry to instead embrace an entirely new aesthetic one critic described as “crippled fawn.”
Designer Marc Lauren favors us with a spirited line of faux-polyester shirts and skirts ($75-$150) so intricate and complicated, you’ll be budgeting an extra 30 minutes when getting dressed (training class $50, Bloomingdales).
Lauren’s young protégée, Ralph Jacobs, offers a more casual looking, but no less spatially-demanding, line of partially unraveled knit separates ($35-$85). He first introduced the collection with models finishing rows on their own sweaters, bikinis and headbands on the catwalk (knitting how-to book, $40).
Calvin Westwood has chosen to focus his oeuvre on the color palette, and his striking amass of blouses inspired by the lifecycle of the Scottish artichoke is sure to be completely impossible to match with anything in your closet. Westwood originally showed the tops matched with flared pants dyed to evoke the Soviet Union in 1982, but fully acknowledged that his pairing doesn’t really work.
Vera McCartney, another color artiste with a more experimental flair, created her pieces using extracts of toxic chemicals and herbs, dyed to coordinate with the rashes and hives expected to bloom on her wearers. The 3-piece “Bee Sting Suit” ($675), in light lavender with delicate striped embroidery, is meant to be worn by women who break out in pinkish hives of 2-3mm in diameter (Allergy skin test plus asbestos screening, $150, at Macy’s Chemist Counter).
Every season the designers work hard to present a guiding theme in their work. This year, the proliferation of unmatchable, unwearable, and potentially lethal cloth-based items brings us one that is clear and striking: “Indifference: Much More Than the Opposite of Love.” (my hump my hump my hump)

I Drive These Readers Crazy....

I do it on the Daily
It has recently come to the attention of Pregnant Praying Mantis that
a. everything should have a "my humps" version,
and
b. "my humps" is a very very long song.
So this week Pregnant Praying Mantis will be reading "my humps" by the Black-eyed Peas.

Pregnant Praying Mantis rather enjoyed this read, and would like to offer Pregnant Praying Mantis' intelligent and innovative literary analysis. Pregnant Praying Mantis wishes to suggest that this reading is more that just a mere statement of "pretty human woman uses breast and buttocks to receive material goods" but rather a fine look into the humble yet noble life of a Pregnant Praying Mantis. If anyone knows how to read between the lines, it is Pregnant Praying Mantis. Fergie's usage of her assets to obtain attention and material goods, is a clear cut parallel to Pregnant Praying Mantis' finely tuned hunting skills. For example, Pregnant Praying Mantis recently spotted an attractive male mantis checking out these lovely mantis lumps, and Pregnant Praying Mantis (who at the time was just Regular Praying Mantis) got male mantis love drunk of these humps... however, rather than receiving a pair of jeans or a brand name bag, Pregnant Praying Mantis got a beautiful sack of adorable eggs and a nice full meal. Pregnant Praying Mantis thinks Fergie must admit defeat at this game. To analyze further, take for example the excerpt (male voice): "mix your milk with my cocoa puff" Pregnant Praying Mantis is sure that "milk" means "digestive stomach enzymes" and "cocoa puff" means "my head that you bit off while we were mating" Yes, beautiful lyrics. Also, it doesn't take a genius to note that "whacha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk" obviously means "what do you plan to do with all that egg sack, all that egg sack inside that swollen abdomen?" Well, Pregnant Praying Mantis will answer that burning questions "Ima get get get you interested in books, get you interested in books with Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club"

Join Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club next week when Pregnant Praying Mantis finds out whose milkshake brings all the potential mates to the yard.

Babelfish: Part 2 (My Humps Version)

Babelfish translation of a question posted on oshiete.com:

Being the ocean easy, such a tune rear end increase it is? With PV, wrapper of sexy white woman and black? The man had been present. As for those where it is impressive, "the my hip my hip my hip my hip" っ て the lyric of feeling repeatedly is to be in the lyric. So, perhaps it is not hip. Only such a thing being not to have remembered, it does, but the one which has per heart! Please teach. We ask!

And for $15, you get:

Does anyone happen to know this song? It's from the west.

In the video there is this sexy white chick with a black rapper(?). What really stuck with me was the lyrics: "my hip my hip my hip my hip" repeated over and over again. Although, it might not have been "hip" This is all I remember about the song but does anyone happen to know it? Please tell me! Please!

and in case you're wondering, there were three responses:

1. Hit me up

2. Hips don't lie

and finally:

3. My Hump

and if you read Japanese, there is a hilarious translation of "My Hump" at Ore no Kashi:

http://kashiwayaku.net/blackeyedpeas/myhumps.php

and in case you don't, here is an equally hilarious double translation, courtesy of Babelfish and the German language:

Which it gon ' with this whole Troedel? This whole Troedel within your trunk? I'ma received, received, received, received, you drunk, receive to you love drunk away from my Hump. My Hump, my Hump, my Hump, my Hump, my Hump, my Hump, my Hump, my Hump, my attractive small lumps (examination it out) I drives these brothers, who are moved, I does it on the daily paper, it treats me really friendly, it buys me to all these freezes.

(b. What you gon ' with all this refuse? All this refuse inside your trunk? I' my obtain, obtain, obtain, obtain, you drunk, obtain you to it love drunk in addition to my bump. My bump, my bump, my bump, my bump, my bump, my bump, my bump, my bump, my beautiful small pieces (control it outside) I lead these insane brothers, I do it on the newspaper, they treats me really well, they buys all those to me freezes)

........

Which it gon ' with this whole donkey? These whole donkeys within it Jeans? I am a mark, leave, leave, let you to Scream you Scream form, form you for Scream. Lettuce of my Hump (hectar), my Hump, my Hump, my Hump (which). My Hump, my Hump, my Hump (hectar)

........

mix your milk with my cocoa breath, milchiges, milchiges riiiiiiight.

Indeed. Control it outside! (sorry computer, you may tell my car where to go, and remind me to take my card out of the ATM, but you aren't taking my job anytime soon!)

Babelfish

Remember when you first found Babelfish Altavista translator and it was so much fun? Well, it's still fun.
Here's a love story between Makoto* and Junko that gets a bit... lost in translation:

"Being said that now being young, my own heart probably will not know, I was decided. We like you. Going wherever, I would like to keep doing in your side. Therefore favorite." With truth you confessed to her who can be made new.
"Sincerity! Such, without saying,! It is quick already." While with Junko producing the tear, you answered.

I like how it immediately involves the reader, like a Choose your own Adventure! story.

In case you're wondering, I would've done it more like this (and for $15):
"People may say we're young, and we don't know our own hearts, but I know. I love you. Wherever you go, I want to be by your side. Because I love you," confessed Makoto to his new girlfriend.
"Makoto! Don't say that! It's so soon," replied Junko while crying.

Anyone have any other fun examples in other languages?

Snickers X-Treme

I found these on a recent road trip to Champaign, Illinois.

I really, really, REALLY wanted to try one, but then I read the warning label:

Not suitable for pregnant women, children, or those sensitive to caffeine (paraphrased).

Is it possible to be in all 3 categories?

These bars have 60mg of caffeine, which is more than a soda and on the lower end of a cup of coffee.

"To meet consumer needs and help millions of Americans take back their energy-zapped afternoons, SNICKERS(R) Brand is proclaiming the post-lunch, pre-dinner hour between two and three p.m. the SNICKERS Charged(TM) Re-Power Hour."

A quick search on the web is not too enthused, but multiple blogs end with the musing that: it's cheaper than a cup of coffee.

I prefer, however, to get my caffeine from a "delicious pastry item":

"Some people get their caffeine buzz from soda, chocolate and other sources besides coffee," Dr. Bohannon said. "The Buzz Donut and the Buzzed Bagel lets them get the caffeine buzz by simply eating a delicious pastry item."

(Immediate opening available for Press Secretary to Dr. Bohannon)

http://www.typetive.com/candyblog/item/snickers_charged/

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16827665/

Advice = Delicious!!

Dear Erin and Elisabeth,

I find that I am painfully awkward at social events such as parties, receptions, lunches with more than 3 people I don't know, and so on. What are some simple tricks I can use to feel more comfortable.

Sincerely,

Gary

Elisabeth Says:

Well, I can tell you that eating a ton of Easter candy and then going around telling everyone how sick you feel isn’t going to make things any easier, let’s make that clear. If you eat too much and you feel sick, the lack of enthusiasm shows, and you start to lose interest in life in general, and more specifically in the party = not helping. Plus, then you go through sugar withdrawal because you ate so much and then stopped suddenly, and you get obsessed with getting more sugar. But you’re afraid to, because you know it’ll only make it worse. But you really, really need the sugar. You know that it would make things much better if you could just get some sugar into you. And it’s not like you can’t control how much you eat, why is everyone always judging you?!
And then you yell something like, “Alright already!” really loudly and grab 4 more nasty cookies from the tray and eat them all while eyeing the hot girl and saying something like, “you’re so skinny, I bet you never eat cookies.”

On the other hand, balancing a spoon on your nose seems to be a winner in almost any situation. Or tell a story about yourself that's embarassing but still acceptable (dropping your cellphone in the toilet=okay, dropping your pager in the toilet = lame, iphone = not funny) and laugh while you tell it. Or you could pretend you are your favorite celebrity or cartoon character and do what they would do (probably get drunk).

Erin Says:

Basically, Idleness = Awkardness

or rather:

Idleness(eating-standing-up + holding drink) + People(need-to-make-good-impression - good conversation) = Awkardness

and when eating-standing-up = x, holding drink = y, impression = i and good conversation = g

Ix + Iy + Pi - Pg = A

Pretty simple, right?

And now, to solve for A!

1. Pretend it's your party

Ever notice how difficult it is to feel awkward at your own party? (Remember perhaps "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to") Take coats, mix a drink or too (Erin recommends a good margarita on the rocks - no blendies!), thank people for coming, etc. You'll feel comfortable and important plus you'll avoid awkardness by keeping busy - combat the I factor!

2. Games

While twister at an client appreciation reception is decidedly not a smart move, most social events can be made remarkably more accessable with games. I've seen more than one awkwardly boring party saved by 1980s Trivial Pursuit! While bringing a set of games to a party can seem dorky, you'll be redeemed when someone says "thank GOD someone brought cranium!"

3. Screen your events

Events with more structure can be less awkward. Costume and theme parties can be a the get-out-of-jail-free cards of the social event world, as they provide instant conversation topics and the opprotunity to pretend to be someone else. Also nothing hides awkwardness like a full storm trooper costume. If this means your major yearly social events are limited to Halloween Parties and Furcon 2009, then so be it. This is the price you pay for social comfort.

4. Speaking of pretending...

If you're going to lie about your profession anyway, might as well go with something that makes your awkwardness acceptable. While there are serveral career choices that permit one to be awkward, the easiest one to lie about at a party is "artist."

a: so, what do you do? (already sensing b's awkwardness)

b: I'm an artist.

a: oh... really... (forgiving the awkwardness, but wondering what b's real job is).. a professional artist?

b: well, I managed to get a sizeable grant from the ________ Program that allows me to live very comfortably, I've also sold some works to a few major hotels. I have a big exibition coming up at the ____ Gallery (make up a name, and A ill pretend he/she has heard of it)

a: i see... and what do you do?

b: mainly large scale structures, with _______ (insert enviornmentally friendly material here) and some installation stuff. I once dressed up 100 squirrels in tiny dresses and set them loose in a shopping mall (or simular crazy project)... but that was ages ago, I've evolved and matured as an artist since then... so, tell me more about you?

and done... welcome to un-awkwardsyville, population, you... and the squirrels in dresses, because nothing says unawkward like a squirrel in a tiny dress.

Devour Knowledge, Eat a Book! (Figuratively)

Of Mice and Men.. and Mantises
Pregnant Praying Mantis welcomes eager readers back to Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club. Today Book Club will be reading Of Mice and Men. Pregnant Praying Mantis did not very much enjoy reading Of Mice and Men. Pregnant Praying Mantis thinks that not being able to buy a farm because your simple John Malkovitch friend accidently strangled a woman is a bit more than "plans going aray" Sure, Pregnant Praying Mantis has accidently decapitated a lover or two a few seconds earlier than intended in the heat of passion, but this was no more than a slight modification of Pregnant Praying Mantis's grand plan. Perhaps the best laid plans of mice and men tend to go aray, but even the losely laid plans of Pregnant Praying Mantis certainly tend to go just fine. Pregnant Praying Mantis would like perhaps to write her own book "Of Mantises and Men" it will be an inspirering story of a young cow boy (played by John Malkovitch) who dreams of a better life and is guided by a kind and remarkably intellent as well as entreprenturing pregnant praying mantis (played by Gary Sinise in a ground breaking role.) The pregnant praying mantis plans a new business strategy for the young cow boy involving a cow-themed amusment park in the middle of the Nevada Desert. The plans of pregnant praying mantis go the exact opposite of aray, and Bovine Junction is a giantic sucess amid shouts of "Viva les Pregnant Praying Mantises!" and "Viva le Capitalism!" There would also be a touching scene in which Pregnant Praying Mantis must chose between the biological imperative of quickly killing her lover after mating, or rushing out to a very meeting with the board of directors concerning the placement of "Sour Milk Rapids." In conclusion, the best laid plans of mice and Stienbeck often result in books that Pregnant Praying Mantis doesn't care for. Join Pregnant Praying Mantis next week, when Pregnant Praying Mantis reads "The Shining"

Ambiguity Award

If you're familiar with grammatically ambiguous sentences which can be read more than one way, ie,

Jack kicked the swearing book,

you'll see why this might be the best one ever created:

Before he shot his wife five times a week after they had separated, shouting, "Space? You wanted space?" while firing a .38-caliber gun,

http://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2008/03/lawyers_call_for_release_of_an.html

Calculator Lover

are you depressed enough yet?
Measure your carbon footprint!
http://www.nature.org/initiatives/climatechange/calculator/
I'm 23. Which is below the US average of 27.
But slightly above the global average of, um, 5.
And a full 12 of my 23 is from flying. So while I'm happy that a decent chunk of my behavior is stamped "eco-friendly" (no car, 95% vegan, apartment, smiling at the squirrels), I'm not really sure how to reduce my flying patterns without, oh lord, settling down.

Two recent finds to make you smile, Erin.
1. Looking at weather for Washington DC online, to the right is a frame that says "Today in Washington" and the first entry is
"1. Check area flea activity."

2. While looking at a box of Non-Pseudo Cold Relief (??), one of the indications is "helps loosen mucus and thin bronchial secretions to make coughing more productive." Are people not already multi-tasking when they cough? Slackers!Usually I'm coughing and dripping and crying at the same time.

Have a nice day!

Rocket scientist? No, I'm just a dietician.

Diets are weird.
There's the old standard:
1. Eat less

And there are jazzed up versions explaining what you should eat less of:
1. Atkins, South Beach, the Zone, Cabbage Soup, Grapefruit, etc.

For me, simple is best. If I have to spend 30 minutes understanding each meal before I eat it, no good. Unless that cuts out the actual time I spend eating, I suppose that would work. Granted, being vegan I spend a lot of time reading labels, but that's just grunt work, it doesn't tax my cognitive reasoning.
(If Vegan, and set=animals, then=don't eat)

Enter Paleo. Here's part of a description I found at http://thedivinelowcarb.blogspot.com/ :

"1. Don't eat any food that you couldn't reasonably obtain with a rock, a stick, a knife and a fire. This particularly includes soy, gluten, or dairy."

"...couldn't reasonably obtain.." it sounds like a challenge. If I can get it with a rock, can I eat it?
Why is dairy excluded? We can get that with our bare hands. I guess cheese requires cheesecloth and a bucket in addition to a big rock...are buckets out? What can I obtain with a fire? Insurance money? Really, I picture myself not eating for 2 weeks out of confusion, and then attacking business men with a stick as they come out of McDonald's.
Short-term solution at best.

CAT PROM PICS!!!!!!!

Thank you readers, for sending in your cat prom photos! It is my pleasure to introduce to you, the cat-idates for queen of the cat prom.

1. Glitterbell, The skankiest cat at the cat prom, promises to make this a night to remember... for the entire cat-football team.

2. Amber, the most popular cat at cat prom always has the best hair, always has the nicest dress and has all the tom cats crazy about her.

3. Lilou, adorable in a polka-dot dress (no, no sneak peaks before cat prom!) will be attending cat prom with her brother, Taco. Adorable!



Amber







Glitterbell

Lilou

Vonage returns

Have you ever called Vonage Customer Service?
Maybe during lunch at work, and you put them on speakerphone?
And you misdialled the 1-866 as 1-800?
Yeah, that's a sex line, isn't it?

And maybe when you talk to Vonage they misspell your name as Fridddman, which is very diversity-aware of them to believe such a name even exists (2 vowels and 7 consonants?).

And then when you ask when you can expect your refund? they inform you they are posting it today and you can expect it in 3-5 business days - well, isn't that a coincidence!

But to be fair, this time the agent was able to look me up by my name (once spelled correctly), as opposed to previous agents who insisted without my account #, they "couldn't do anything." Which did seem to be generally true.

I'm almost sad the Vonage chapter of my life is closing, but I need the time off to properly engage my new adversary, Citibank, spammer #1 in my life.

This is not a pipe

Meow After Meow!

It's almost time for the most magical night of the year, Cat Prom. Funny with 2 E's invites all readers to send in photos of their cats at Cat Prom, getting ready for Cat Prom, crying because they aren't going to Cat Prom, rebelliously boycotting Cat Prom, or getting it on in an alley after Cat Prom. Never heard of Cat Prom? Then we invite all readers to make Cat Prom a part of daily life. Here is how:

1. Constantly talk about Cat Prom with/to your cat:
ex. "Taco! You can't wear a read bowtie to the Cat Prom, everyone will make fun of you!" or "Boris, you'll never learn to dance before the Cat Prom with that attitude!"

2. Make everything your cat does be about Cat Prom:
ex. "Lilou, stop eating the bamboo or you'll get sick and can't go to Cat Prom" or "Taco, stop meowing at me like that, I am chaperoning at the Cat Prom and that is final"

3. Sing songs that might be played at Cat Prom:
Meow After Meow: "If you meow I will meow me and you'll meow me... meow after meow"
Total Eclipse of the Meow: "Once upon a meow I was meowing a meow, now I'm only meowing a meow, what can I meow it's a total eclipse of the meow"

4. Tell EVERYONE about Cat Prom

And SEND IN THOSE PHOTOS!!!! (email to Erin or Elisabeth)

Rejected! by eHarmony

Since Valentine's Day is coming up, I thought it'd be nice if we gave a little help to some people who might be having some trouble finding a special someone for the day that only comes once a year, just like every other day, except February 29th, which is really the most special day of all.

Name: Bobama
Age: 46
Height: Plenty tall, thank you
Race: Black. mostly.

Likes: Smiling, hardworking children; caramel apples; democracy; cocaine - just kidding!
Dislikes: Liars, cheaters, most of Texas (except any smiling, hardworking children), cocaine - for serious folks, you should never even try this stuff, always ask an adult.

Describe an ideal date: I get home from my good job that pays fair for who I am and what I do - an American who works hard. You're working part-time as a way to manage the kids and your career, in a compromise we agreed on while planning our family and our lives, together. I tell you about my day as you put together a salad to go with the meal I picked up from Safeway on the way home. After a family meal, we put the kids to bed and watch a little Cinemax in our bedroom while doing some lines - kidding! I mean we do a little role-play and remember how fortunate and proud we are to be Americans, in a country where we can role-play about the government in our own bedrooms without fear of someone breaking down our door and arresting us for possession.

Name: CapitalHill Babe
Age: Technically dead.
Height: 5'4"
Race: So white I can sting you.

Likes: sensible suits, well-organized staff-meetings, laughing, people getting what they deserve.
Dislikes: Liars, cheaters, most of Texas (except for Kenny Rogers), spending more than 20 minutes on my hair.

Describe an ideal date: We meet at a trendy yet quiet Washington restaurant. I get the lamb and you order one of those chicken-pot-pie things, and we have a chocolate volcano cake for dessert. We split the check but you secretly put thousands of dollars in my purse when I get up to go to the women's room. We rendez-vous back at my hotel room several hours later and watch electoral returns while you massage my feet. I kick you out at 2am. No texting.

Chicken-ish

Thanks to Annie for the original idea

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club!

Welcome back to Pregnant Praying Mantis Book Club. This week, Pregnant Praying Mantis read The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Pregnant Praying Mantis has learned that human's come in many sizes... those sizes being: really skinny, skinny, thin and slightly curvy. Pregnant Praying Mantis also wonders why the blonde girl did not eat her soccer coach after mating with him? Are human soccer coaches not delicious? Anyway, Pregnant Praying Mantis thinks that maybe blonde girl wouldn't be so sad if she had simply devoured soccer coach after completion of mating ritual. Pregnant Praying Mantis's favorite character in this book was the Pants. Pregnant Praying Mantis also wishes she could find a magic pair of pants that fits praying mantises! If you have seen such a pair of pants, please send an email to smart.pregnant.praying.mantis@ilovebooks.com.

Free Advice from Erin and Elisabeth: Part Deux

Dear Funnee with Two E's:
I un-friended this guy from my Facebook account because I don't like him. A month later, he sends me an add friend request asking if I've un-friended him! I think that's indelicate. What do I do?

Has Already been Tactful Enough, Wyoming

Elisabeth's response:
Dear HATE in Wyoming,
You got found out. Now he knows you don't like him. Or rather, he doesn't seem to get it, because otherwise why would he ask you so innocently? Answer: he's a jerk. He knows full well you don't like him and he's pushing your hand, trying to get you to back down and let him back into your inner sanctum. Don't let him. He broke the tacit rules of relationships (1. don't make casual friendships into more than they are, 2. don't make people explain why they don't like you) and you get to play on the same no-holds-barred battlefield. Just make sure you play intelligently.
Write him back and explain that your admiration, your feelings for him were too strong. You simplly could not be friends with him without it flooding your entire being and overwhelming you with its intensity. Thus, for both your sakes, but mostly your own, you un-friended him. You beg his pardon, but selfless as he is, you know he'll understand. Ever lovingly, etc. etc.

Erin's response:
Ok, so are you SURE you really wanted to un-friend him? In Facebook, "friend" is a relative term. There are many many reasons to have someone you don't like, let's call him Adam Sandler (sorry, I just saw Click... oh the horror), as a friend on facebook:
1. Adam knows people in the same industry as you (hello possible future career building introductions in the future!)
2. Adam is dating a friend of yours
3. Adam was a total jerk to you in high school and you can now use facebook to smuggly watch the trainwreck that is his life. thank you karma!
4. Adam knows people that might let you sleep on their couches
5. you don't have that many facebook friends to begin with (note, if you're pushing 600... it's time to prioritize)

That being said, if Adam doesn't fit into any of the above categories, then accept his friend request, but under "how do you know this person" you write "I un-friended him several months ago and he didn't get it" there. friendship done. (but seriously, are you sure you want to give up your ability to stalk this guy? you never know what the future might hold.)

Response to Erin

These are surprisingly accurate:

No Paperclips.

microsoft: hello erin. how are you? it is my pleasure to inform you that inorder to make you feel important, we are providing you with an assistant!

erin: what? really? no way! who is my assistant?

ms: this paperclip.

erin: what... a paper clip? my assistant is a paper clip?
ms: yep.

erin: isn't that a little insulting... to say, "oh you are important enough for an assistant! by the way, it's a paper clip!"

ms: oh.. well then, ms. high and mighty... what about albert einstien... how would you like albert einstien for your assistant?

erin: um... i didn't mean.....

ms: or how about mother earth? how about if the entire world and nature itself were to serve as your assistant, would one of those characters be good enough for you??

erin: i didn't mean.... i mean, don't you have any "regular" assistants? like "recent college graduate who will make copies with me until she decides what she wants to study in grad school." or "that same woman, but after she gets her masters in east asian religion" or maybe "overly confident well dressed young guy with head-set" or even "guy with a mild criminal record from the temp agency" don't you have any of those characters?
ms: no

erin: ok, i'll take the paper clip.

(later that day)

erin: ok... paper clip... so can you make some copies for me?

paperclip: no... i don't do that

erin: what? how about some coffee?

pc: no

erin: ok... so what DO you do?

pc: direct you to the help menu.

erin: i can find the help menu myself

pc: i also make noise and blink at you.

erin: i don't want that.

pc: and i give you helpful tidbits of information having to do with formatting!

erin: yeah... no... you're fired!

pc: letter of recommendation?

erin: no... i'm not writing a letter of recommendation for a paper clip.

pc: i will talk with human resources, and i will sue you for discrimination.

erin: please leave now.

ms: There are no Office Assistant character files present on the system. Please run Setup in maintenance mode and install at least one character.

erin: i don't want one.... wait... people have more than one?
ms: please install office assistant character. run set up. maintenance mode

erin: no
ms: office assistant character!

erin: no

ms: how about this dog.

erin: no... i swear, if you say another word about this, ima open word perfect and THEN we'll see who need an office assistant. (tries to open word perfect, computer explodes, calls IT)